RE parodies: A rewrite
by Af Spirit
Summary: Just a rewrite making fun of the RE games. I hope you like it this is my first humor fic.  Parodies from 1 to to 5. Many pop culture reference, and sexual inuendo with the RE characters doing some very strange things...Rated M.
1. RE, 1, 2 and 3

**Hey people! Afro here! This is my first attempt at a resident evil fanfic that was comedic so please go easy on me! Its just basically a parody of the RE series from 1 to Nemesis Please R&R but no flamers! It is lightly based on another fanfic though. But I enjoyed it when I read it soI thought it should be posted on this! I was really stoned when I read this so it might not be as funny. If so my apologies. Its more for those with an immature sense of humor. I did copy and paste so I am jus adressing that. Anyways....**

Rewrites

Resident Evil

Enter the mansion

*Jill, Barry and Wesker all walk through the mansion doors and look around the mansion hall*  
Barry "What is this?"  
Jill "Its a freakin Mansion Barry, whats it look like?"  
*Barry looks down at floor embaressed, while Wesker smirks amusingly*  
Wesker "Wow what a mansion!"  
Barry "Yeah, woulda made a great whore house in the 30s"  
*Jill inspects the rest of the hall and runs back to Wesker and Barry*  
Jill "Captain Wesker, wheres Chris? He had our picnic basket for God sakes!"  
*Wesker and Barry stare at Jill. Jill then runs towards the mansion entrance*  
Jill "Screw this, im goin to 7eleven. You guys want anything?"  
Barry "Well, i wouldnt mind a Twinkie or two..."  
*Wesker stops Jill from opening the Mansion door*  
Wesker "Stop it, dont open that door! Your all supposed to die.....errr dine here! Forget 7eleven Jill, we can all have a home cooked meal right here!"  
Jill "Ahh ok (Jill scowls down at the floor before getting over it). Anywhere where was I..... oh yeah....but Chris is..."  
*Their thoughts are interupted by gunfire*  
Barry "What is it?"  
Wesker "Maybe its the doorbell?"  
*Barry gives Wesker a confused look and Jill shakes her head in dismay*  
Wesker (sigh) "Alright... Maybe its......Chris....."  
*Barry and Jill nod approvingly*  
Wesker "Now Jill, can you go?"  
Barry "Im going with. Chris is our old partner you know..."  
Wesker "Oh i know whatcha mean Barry (nudge, nudge, wink, wink)hehehehe"  
*Wesker chuckles softly. Jill gives him an evil look and Wesker stops, while Barry blushes and looks down at the floor*  
Wesker "Ok, let me handle this"  
*Wesker points to the mud stains on the floor, and pulls out a toothbrush and some polish from his pocket. Barry and Jill give Wesker another weird look. Then they start to head towards the doors on the left side of the hall*  
Wesker "Stay alert, and remember, look both ways when your crossing a hallway!"  
*Jill nods obediantly, and follows Barry through the door*  
Wesker "Hehe, ive got them in the mansion. Now all i need to do is stop them from getting out of the mansion, then the world will be mine!"  
*Wesker laughs out loud maniacally*  
Jill (From the other room) "HEY! KEEP IT DOWN IN THERE!"  
Wesker "Sorry. (Wispers under his breath) Whiney little b!tch"

Jill and Barry investigate the dining room

*Jill and Barry enter the dining room. Barry walks on ahead*  
Barry"...The dining room"  
Jill"Well were dya make that astute observation genius?"  
*Jill gestures towards the huge table and cutlery. Barry ignores her and continues investigating the room*  
Jill"Hmm wonder if they got any left over auderves here?"  
*Jill starts searching the table but is interupted by Barry*  
Barry"What! What is this?"  
*Jill quickly stuffs a shrimp in her mouth and dashs over to Barry*  
Jill*with a full mouth* "Whaff iss ith?"  
*Jill sprays chunks of shrimp all over Barrys discovery*  
Barry"Awww Jill look what ya done now! Its ruined the colour and pattern of the blood!"  
Jill"Barry, its tomato soup you numbnut..."  
*Barry looks sad and looks down at the floor as Jill pities him*  
Jill*sigh* Ok, ok.....what is it?"  
*Barry smiles happily*  
Barry"Blood...."  
*Jill mock applauds Barry*  
Barry"Jill, see if you can find any other clues, ill be examining this"  
Jill"Ok... hey wait a minute, why do i have to go?"  
Barry"Because im looking at this blood puddle, and plus im a retard who will just keep asking questions all the time"  
*Barry chuckles away whilst Jill scowls and moves towards the door*  
Barry"I hope this is not Chris's blood..."  
Jill"The hell would you know smarta$$?"  
*Barrys continues to move his head side to side whilst checking his reflection in the blood puddle whilst Jill goes through the door into a corridor*  
Jill"Jeez, wheres the bathroom round here, i gotta p!ss like a dog"  
*Jill walks round a nearby corner, where a human is eating something*  
Jill"Man, if i was a guy i could use that plant in the corner! Oh wait theres someone, excuse me Sir?"  
*The human stops eating and a head drops to the floor, with half its face eaten away*  
Jill"Hey wait a minute! Thats Tupac Shakur! YOU BSTRD, you killed Tupac!"  
*The human turns its head to reveal its rotting white bloodstained face*  
Jill"Umm hey did i call you a bstrd? Hehe, my mistake..i mean its not a bad thing... Pac probably woulda been wasted by some East Siders anyway if it wasnt for you...hehe"  
*The human creature rises to its feet and shuffles towards Jill. Jill reacts quickly and makes a huge rocket launcher appear magically in her hands.*  
Jill"Swweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!"  
*Jill fires a rocket at the creature and it explodes into pieces*  
Jill"Hehe thats was for you Pac"  
*Jill walks upto Tupacs corpse and says a little prayer, whilst looting some ammo from his body*  
Jill"Yoink!"  
*Jill runs back to Barry*  
Jill"I just hope that idiot hasnt burned anything"  
*Jill steps through the door and runs towards Barry, still staring at the blood pool dumbfounded*  
Jill"Barry... i dont know how to tell you this...but Tupac Shakur is..."  
*Jill is interupted by a door opening and closing.*  
Barry"What is it!"  
Jill"FOR GODS SAKES STOP ASKIN FREAKING QUESTIONS AND SHOOT THAT MOTHER F**KIN MONSTER!... hey didnt i just pop that guy?"  
Barry*in a macho voice*"Let me handle this"  
*Barry fires one shot a minute at the creature who stands still giving Barry a confused look, whilst Jill stands hands on hips tapping her rocket launcher against her thigh looking at her watch. Barry finally finishes the creature off with his 3rd shot.*  
Jill"Looks like someone bought a cheapo Magnum..."  
*Barry investigates the corpse*  
Barry"What is it?"  
*Jill screams in anger at Barrys retardedness*  
Jill"STOP ASKIN THOSE DUMB QUESTIONS!*sigh* Remember what the shrink said, deep breaths and count to ten...."  
*Jill takes 10 deep breaths as Barry stays silent and still so as not to annoy Jill*  
Jill*sigh*"Lets report this to Wesker. I better damn well be able to see my face in that floor..."  
*Jill and Barry run towards the dining room doors*

Resident Evil 2

intro to Leons A Scenario in RE2:

*Shot of the front of a Jeep, changes to a road sign above the road*  
Leon"Raccoon City? Hey, that old guy at the gas station said this highway would take me to New Mexico!"  
*Flash to shots of the empty streets of Raccoon City. Leons jeep pulls up infront of something in the middle of the road. Crows fly away and Leon steps out of his jeep to investigate*  
Leon"What have we got here? Wow, my first day on the job and i get to deal with my 1st crack whore!"  
*Shot of Leons back as camera zooms in. Flash to gas station somewhere in Raccoon. A creature comes into shot flying out a window*  
Creature"Hey, all i wanted were some waffles!"  
*The creature rises. Shot of man in a truck holding his arm*  
Truck Driver"That guys a maniac! All i did was beat his top score at Space Invaders! Why'd he bite me?"  
*Shot of mans blood covered arm. The truck blows its horn and drives away, whilst the creature starts to move away from the gas station*  
Creature"Fine! Ill go to Hooters down the street from here!"  
*Shot of a hand on a wall, goes to Leon checking a body in the middle of the street*  
Leon"Hmm, wonder where she hid her stash...better frisk her"  
*View of something moving towards Leon. Camera zooms in on Leon*  
Leon"Uh oh....im guessin they're her pushers and pimps huh?"  
*Shots of creatures moving towards Leon and surrounding him*  
Leon"Hey..i wasnt gonna bong or anything from her..hehe...hey what are these things?"  
Creature"Actually i prefer the term, undead monster"  
Leon"Oh ok. Ok thats far enough, DONT MOVE! God knows what kinda cootys youve all got!"  
*Creatures still advance towards Leon. Camera turns to body on the floor as its eyes open. Shot of Leon*  
LeonNO!  
*Corpse grabs Leons boot*  
Leon"Those boots are genuine suade you bstrd!"  
*Shot of Leon as he fires his gun at the corpse. Creatures close in on Leon, as he starts to fire his gun. Leon hits one creature twice in the chest*  
Creature" Owwww, dammit that hurt!"  
Leon"The hell? That was a clean hit! I always bag drug dealers with those kinda shots!"  
*Leon continus firing at the creatures as he backs into an alley*  
Leon"Ohhhhhhhhh crap, i knew i should have got to work earlier instad of stopping at that strip joint.."  
*Leon reloads his gun as he backs away. Suddenly a door opens and a woman appears*  
Woman"Ahhhhhhh! Leonardio DiCaprio!"  
*Shot of Leon aiming his gun at woman. Camera turns to woman with a creature moving towards her in the background*  
Woman"Hey can i have your auto..."  
Leon"GET DOWN!"  
Woman"Huh?"  
Creatures"HE SAID GET DOWN!"  
Woman"Oh ok!"  
*The woman ducks down as Leon shoots the creature square in the head. Camera truns to Woman on the floor as Leon holds out his hand*  
Leon"We cant stay out here. Head to the police statin, itll be alot safer"  
Woman"Hehe, right, like ive never heard that line before..."  
*Leon and the woman run out of the alley into another street. They look around quickly for somewhere to hide. Leon spots something*  
Leon"Cool, a Porsche Boxster!"  
Woman"Its a Ford Saturn you idiot! Lets get in!"  
*Leon and the woman rush towards the car and get in as the zombies move towards them*  
Leon"Buckle up!"  
Woman*in a sarchastic girly voice*"Geeee, thank you Mr Car Safety 1st Man!"  
*The car speeds off as the creatures stand confused*  
Creature"Hey, thats my car!"  
*Fade to the car speeding along the roads of Raccoon as more creatures are seen in the streets. Shot of Leon and the woman in the car*  
Woman"Whats going on? I was waiting on the corner for my erm, daddy, and the whole place went insane!"  
Leon[/b]"Great the radios out! Must be those tight hot pants your wearing...most middle aged men round here dont get any action that often, if you catch my drift..."  
Woman[/b]"Hehe...you a cop right?..."  
*Woman quickly stuffs a small packet containing some white powder down her top*  
Leon"Yeah, first day on the job. Great huh? Names Leon Kennedy, nice to meet you"  
Woman"Mines Claire, Claire Redfield. I cam looking for my brother Chris..."  
Leon"You came?!?! Dirty little...."  
Claire"NOT THAT KIND OF CAME YOU FOOL!"  
Leon"OOOOooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh!!"  
*Camera zooms away from the car as it slides into a corner. A truck is close behing it*  
Claire"Hey watch your driving hotshot! This aint no rally race ya know!"  
*Shot of the car driving down a road, as the truck follows behind, knocking down some street signs*  
Leon"Sorry...Hey could you open the glovebox?*thinks to himself* Gotta be some joints in this car...."  
*Claire opens the glovebox, to find a gun and a chilli burrito*  
Claire"Theres a gun inside..."  
*Leon curses to himself*  
Leon*sigh*"Better take it with you. Better than that crappy bread knife ya got at the moment"  
*Shot of Claire checking the sights if the gun. Suddenly a creature pops up from the backseat*  
Creature"Woooh! Best sleep ive had in weeks! Say, would ya mind if i got my burrito from the glovebox?"  
Leon"NO!"  
Creature"Hey! What are doin in my house!"  
*Leon swerves to avoid getting bitten by the creature, as the car hits the side of a wall*  
Claire"Look out!"  
Creature"Dammit, gimme my burrito!!!"  
*Leon trys to evade the creatures attack, as the car swerves left and right*  
Leon"Make way!!!"  
Claire"Woaaaaaahhhhhh shiiiiiiiiiiiittttt!!!!!!!!"  
*The car crashs head first into a street sign, and the creature flys through the front windscreen*  
Creature"Noooooooooooooooo, my burritooooooooooooooooooo OUCH!"  
*Shot of Leon and Claire recovering from the crash.  
Leon"Damn! I pretty much wrote off this car huh? Oh yeah, are you ok?"  
Claire"Well duh, im still alive arent I?"  
Leon"Hey...wanna make out? This is a pretty roomy car after all...."  
Claire"Sure!"  
*Leons looks into the rear view mirror and sees the truck loosing control and heading straight towards them*  
Leon"Hey! That maniacs watching us!"  
Claire"PERVERT!"  
*Shot of the driver, who appears to be another creature*  
Leon"Ermmmmm.....RUN!!!"  
*Leon and Claire quickly get out the car and run out the way, as the truck collides with the car* Claire dives the opposite way from Leon runnign away. Claire gets up and shields her face from the smoke and flames*  
Leon"Claire, you there? Oh well shes dead, never mind, sh!t happens"  
Claire"LEON"  
Leon"Im ok. Head to the station, ill make out with ya there!"  
Claire*in a sexy voice*"Alright lover, ill be waiting..."  
Leon"Hehe, ok"  
*Leon backs away from the wreckage as he swallows a mint Tic Tac to freshen up his breath for Claire later*

Leon and Claire in the STARS office

*Enter Claire into the STARS office to meet Leon*  
Claire "Leon!"  
*Leon quickly shoves Chris's porno back into the drawer. He and Claire walk to the middle of the room to meet each other*  
Leon "Its good to see your still among the living!"  
Claire "Yeah, yeah, yeah whatever, just clear away that trash on the desk and whip off your pants so we can f**k"  
Leon "Ummmm, ok. But first about your brother..."  
Claire "My what?.....OH yeah!!! What about him?"  
Leon "Well, see the thing is.....hes a crap guitar player..."  
Claire "He is???"  
Leon "Yeah...i was just looking over some of his...ermmm... sheet music and it really bites....yeah... and his guitars outta tune too...mmmmhmmm"  
*Leons nods his head whilst Claire gives him a funny look*  
Claire "Erm whats really goin on Leon?...hey that rhymes..."  
Leon "Well...ok...it looks like we're not gonna find your brother here after all..."  
Claire "........YA THINK!?!?"  
*Leon hands Claire Chris's diary. Claire flicks through the diary, stopping every so often to look at Chris's drawings of Jill nude doing, errmmm, dirty things:D. Claire looks at the floor ashamed by her brothers poor enterpretation of the femal anatomy*  
Leon "Wow! He might be a bad musician, but hes a damn good artist!"  
*Claire quickly puts away Chris's diary and Leon stops leering over the pictures of Jill*  
Leon "Theres no reason for us to stay any longer than neccessary."  
Claire "Yeah there is. I heard the Baskin Robins down the street has some damn good frozen yogurt. Maybe we could grab some..."  
Leon "Ahhhhh no..we should split up, look for any survivors, steal their cash and valuables, and get outta here!"  
Claire "Right! Good plan!" Leon "Well of course. I AM a cop...."  
Claire "Yeah, a pretty dumb one at that too..."  
Leon "One last thing."  
*Leon takes a radio from his belt and hands it to Claire*  
Leon "Hears a radio, take it. That way we can listen KRaccoon 109 while we blast some zombie a$$!"  
*Claire nods and takes the radio, whilst Leon runs off through the door. Claire walks over to Chris's desk and takes out the porno mag Leon was looking at. She flicks through it, pulling back the stuck together pages with noticable white stains on them*  
Claire "Jeez bro, you had ta just go and ruin my porno didnt ya?"  
*Walks out the room in a bad mood*

Hunk and William Birkin

*Two SWAT soldiers slowly move down a corridor. One stops and peers round the corner*  
Hunk "This way"  
*The soldiers move toward a door. Switch to a compartment moving outwards ful of vials of green and purple substances*  
William "Its sheer perfection, my high sugar sweetener for Mountain Dew"  
*Takes the sample in his hand*  
William "No-one will ever take your sweetness away from me!"  
*Suddenly two SWAT soldiers come through a sliding door. Willima reacts quickly and grabs a suitcase and a pistol.* Hunk "There he is!"  
SWAT#1 "Where? My goggles are all fogged up..."  
*Takes out cloth and wipes his goggles, and see Birkin*  
SWAT#1 "Ohhhhh there he is!"  
William "So you've finally come! Jesus, how long does it take to deliver a ham and pineapple pizza these days?"  
Hunk "No doctor, we're here to collect the G-Virus sample.."  
*William backs away towards his worktop*  
William "Ok, ok, i'll trade ya my G-Virus for your Charizard card! Whaddaya say?"  
*William backs into a container knocking it over onto the floor. William stops and SWAT#1 reacts to the sound and fires a burst from his H&K MP5 into William*  
Hunk "Stop, i was gonna take him up on that deal..."  
William "I'll take that as a no then...."  
*Hunk steps towards William and sees a briefcase full of T and G-Virus samples*  
Hunk "Thats it alright"  
SWAT#1 "How do you know?"  
Hunk "Because i do, thats how."  
SWAT#1 "But your not a scien..."  
Hunk "Shut the hell up before i give ya a wedgie smarta$$!"  
SWAT#1 "Hehe, ok. Sorrry..."  
Hunk "Good, you better be...OK lets move out!"  
*Hunk and SWAT#1 leave the lab, whilst Birkin is left for dead. Annette enters the lab and sees William*  
Annette "William! Did you squirt ketchup all over your lab coat again?"  
*Annette moves over to William*  
Annette *sigh* "I'll go get some detergent, stay here and dont touch any more condiments!"  
*William nods and Annette leaves to go get some detergent. William gets out his sweetener*  
William "Hehe suckers didnt get my sweetener. Well theres only one thing left to do..."  
*Cut to another team of SWAT soldiers sending a radio message to Hunk*  
SWAT#2 "Alpha team, did you retrieve the donuts yet?"  
Hunk "Affirmative, we'll meet at the ren-dez-vous point"  
SWAT#3 "Huh? I thought we was getting the G-Virus?"  
SWAT#2 "We are. Donuts is the code name for the G-Virus, idiot!"  
SWAT#3 "OHHHHHH! Hey, whats ren-dez-vous mean?"  
SWAT#2 *sigh* "Just shut up and follow me alright?"  
SWAT#3 "Ummmmm, ok"  
*Switch to William with sweetener* William "Well....here goes....nothing..."  
*Plunges the needle full of high sugar sweetener into his stomach*  
William "Wooooooaaaaaahhhh, major sugar rush!!!!!"  
*Switch to Williams eyes which have turned red in colour. Fade to Annette*  
Ada "Are you telling me that he was bleeding and he didnt have ketchup on his shirt? Man, your a dumba$$!"  
Annette "Shut up b!tch! He may have been a scientist, but he was as clumsy as hell!"  
Ada "Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrright? So he injected himself with a high power sugar sweetener, NOT the G-Virus?"  
Annette "His Mountain Dew sweetener has the ability to give people a major burst of energy and get em smacked up like a crack whore"  
*Fade to sewers. A load roar is heard*  
SWAT#3 "Wh..wha...wha..what was that?"  
SWAT#2 "Sounded like someone whos constipated! Better check it out, over there!"  
SWAT#3 "Yeh, ok....good thing i cant smell anything under this mask"  
*SWAT#2 and SWAT#3 run towards the sound. Cut to Hunk and SWAT#1 with their guns drawn*  
SWAT#1 "Shoot! Eat this you freak!"  
*Fires into monster but the monster is unaffected*  
SWAT#1 "Hey, this is a BB gun! My other ones at home!!!"  
Hunk "Excuses, excuses. Its your own damn fault for bringing that pea shooter! What is this thing anyways? Looks like a little kid who drank too much Coca Cola!"  
Creature "SUGAR...GIMME SUGAR....CAFFEINE.....ADDITIVES........ANYTHING!?!?!"  
*Some claws come into view. Cut to sewers again as a loud scream can be heard*  
SWAT#2 "Man, that guy must have ate some seriously bad food! Lets hurry!"  
*Pulls out some laxatives and runs towards the sounds with SWAT#3. Cut to body of SWAT#1 on the floor with a large wound on his chest. Cut to a large foot crushing vials of the T and G-Virus from the briefcase. A huge mutated body is seen with the sound of a vial of the G-Virus being eaten by the creature. SWAT#2 and SWAT#3 turn the corner to see the creature*  
Creature "G-VIRUS HAVE NO SUGAR......ME WANT CANDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!COFFEEEEEE!!!!SWEEEEEEEETYYYYYYY!!!"  
SWAT#2 "What is this thing? And why is it so constipated!"  
*The creature lets out a loud roar*  
Creature "F**KING HELL...IM SO HIGH...THAT I COULD.......FLY!!! YEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!"  
SWAT#2 "FIRE, FIRE!!!"  
*SWAT#2 throws the laxatives at the creature, but to no avail*  
Creatures "LAXATIVES NO SUGAR.....GIMME SOME SWEEEEEEEEEEEEET SUGARRRRRRRRR!!!!!"  
Camera zooms in to SWAT#2 as he gets attacked. SWAT#3 sees this and opens fire*  
SWAT#3 " Sunnuva b!tch! You killed my love inter...er superior!"  
*Fires into the creature, but it is unaffected. SWAT#3 runs out of ammo*  
SWAT#3 "Ooooooooooooooooooh crap, im dead..."  
*SWAT#3 shakes head and backs into a wall. Cut to a large eye opening*  
SWAT#3 "Sh!t! Thats one helluva big one eye monster you got their!"  
Creature "ONE EYE MONSTER WANT SUGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!"  
*Cut to sewers as a scream is heard. Cut to brifecase and smashed vials of T and G-Virus, which some mice are eating at*  
Mice "Ahh God bless these sewers. Always some chemical to eat and get stoned off...."

RE 3

Jill Valentine: September 28th, daylight, I'm masturbating as we speak, somehow my breasts haven't popped out of my top.

Cut to Dario's shop.

Jill: "Okay. We have to get moving. The shoe store closes at eight and I have a pair of stilettos I want!"

Dario: "I just lost my daughter out there! There's no way Im going out there! But then again I could go for a hot dog......."

Jill: "Dammnit you are coming now! I am not about to lose those fucking shoes! I've had them on layaway for two weeks! I can't find any at the Slauson swap meet!"

Dario: "No! I'd rather starve than get eaten by one of those monsters!"

Jill: "Trust me. You are FAR from starving!"

Dario: "Yeah? Well I bet those are fake!" Looks at Jill's chest.

Jill: "Fine! Stay here! I hope you get eaten by a group of zombies who show up ironically after I leave!"

Dario: "I'm hiding in here!" Gets in cabinet.

Jill runs up and pounds on hiding spot. "Come out of there! I'll let you go all the way!"

Dario: "Leave me alone! I only like uncoscious teens or Milfs with stretch marks!"

Jill leaves.


	2. Code Veronica

**Hey people! Sorry for the wait! I printed this out and a couple ppl didn't think it was funny! Oh well. Anyway this will have some things that have nothing to do with the games but will otherwise. Bare with me! If this is too short, sorry but I am slighly tired. Some of these jokes are from TV shows but not all of them. It might be obvious what some of the jokes are from though. Anyway h****ere goes!**

**1998. In an unknown Umbrella lab...**

Albert Wesker awakes from what seemed like a long time. "Wow feels like I've been sleeping for months! I gotta stop drinking..."

A doctor was in the room. "You have been asleep for months. Sinde July. Its September now."

Wesker stands up. "Jesus joseph and doggystyle mary! Why didn't you wake me? I've been missing Dawsons Creek!"

"You've been dead."

"Oh..."

Wesker looks to discover he has no clothes. "Where are my clothes? And why is there a smiley face painted on my genitals?"

"Oh that was probably one of the new guys. Anyway here's your clothes. The man at the front desk wants to see you."

Wesker gets dressed and walks to the front desk. "You wanted to see me?"

"Yes. We have brought you back with the virus. But we need to give you another shot so you'll be strong again."

Wesker frowns. "I don't think I understand what you're saying. Could you speak English?"

The doctor pulls out a syringe. The virus...

Wesker grabs the man by the collar. "How dare you! What do I look like? Some maniac who will just put anything in his body? And then take pictures of it coming out? And put them on my website that gets over a thousand hits a day, most of them in Germany, Do I? Do I?"

The man whispers. "It makes you grow big and strong."

Wesker lowers his voice. "Ooooh. I like whispering too. The problem is, I sometimes forget what to whisper so I just pretend. Like this pssss psss pss"

The man leaves the room creeped out.

Wesker thinks and remembers his first assasination mission.

1988

Wesker is preparing to get ready to kill Marcus. Yet he can't decide what to wear. He comes out of the changing room. Wearing a cheerleader outfit.

Spencer shakes his head. "Not appropriate."

Wesker goes back in and comes back out, dressed like Dee Snyder and wearing a kiss mask. "Fuck you old man! I rock!"

Wesker starts drawing the anarchy sign all over the walls. Spencer shakes his head.

Wesker goes back in. Then he comes out with a t shirt that says BLACK POWER and had the Panthers logo. He also had his blonde hair made into an afro. "Later Spencer. I'ma stick it to these whiteys!"

Spencer sips his coffee. "That's higly offensive."

Wesker, "Really? Do you think it matters? I mean we are the villians..."

"Yes! How can we achieve world domination if everybody hates us?"

Wesker sighs. "What would you have me wear?"

"Something black. All black. And from now on in your life, I want you to talk with a british accent. But at the mansion, speak like an American but then go back to being british."

Wesker goes back into the changing room and comes out in an all black outfit.

"That's better. And I won't tell anybody about the whole cheerleader thing..."

Wesker, "Oh I know you won't Spencer. I know you won't."

Wesker pulls out a bottle and pours something into a napkin, then puts the napkin over Spencer's mouth. Spencer passes out.

Wesker grinned, "And now to erase your memory of this entire conversation."

Wesker takes all of his clothes off with a grin on his face, staring at the unconscious old man.

(Okay now CV.)

(Cut to Claire running from chopper.)

Claire runs as bullets are flying at her and destroying the windows behind her.

Guard 1. "Who the hell is shooting up there? Helen Keller? Hit her!"

Chopper "She's too fast sir! It must be those pants she's wearing!"

Claire jumps dwn some stairs and finds guards aiming weapons at her. "Put the gun down."

Claire thinks hard, "Uh... I wasn't really going to blow up the Paris facility. Did you know we got the statue of Liberty from the French?"

Guard, "I don't care. Drop the gun. Or the bitch gets it!" Grabs a random girl.

Claire drops her gun but then drops to the floor and catches it. Then fires and blows up the gas tank behind them.

Claire looks up to see a gun pointed at her by a Hispanic male. Her gun was empty. She knew she had been beaten. More guards arrived and grabbed her. "What do you want us to do with her Rodrigo?"

Rodrigo. "Put her on the chopper. I have some unfinished business." He points his gun at the bitch the guard was threatening. He shoots her with a grin.

Claire has a bag over her head. Suddnly its removed. "Your ID number is WKD4496. Welcome to your new home. Oh and you're the only female so don't drop the soap!"

Boom. She gets hit in the head with the butt of the gun. She is still awake so the guards begin kicking and punching her until she passes out.

Guard 1. "God that made me feel like a man!"

Guard 2 "I know! I'm gonna prctice on my wife when I get home!"

Claire wakes up in the cell. She has no gun. She only has a lighter. Sweet!

She checks her pockets. "No! I had an ounce in here! Give it back you bastards!"

She flicks the lighter open to see Rodrigo. "Oh my God! A Mexican!"

Rodrido opens the cell and says, "Go on. Get out of there."

She exits the cell. Rodrigo sits down and grabs a bottle of jack daniels and discovers its empty. "Perfect." he says throwing it.

"This prison is finished. Probably some angry liberals..."

"What about you? What are you gonna do?" She asks.

"I'm gonna sit here and smoke this shit. Then I'm going to listen to my walkman."

He reveals a bag of weed. "Hey that's mine! Do you know what I had to do to get that? Let's just say all the mouthwash in the world can't fix it!"

Rodrigo points his gun at her. "Its mine now."

Claire leaves the room. She goes up the stairs, through the grave yard. She sees a bunch of zombies coming toward her. She forgot to grab the knife downstairs. Suddenly the zombies start dancing. One of the zombies looks like Micheal Jackson. Thriller begins to play.

"Micheal Jackson? You're not a zombie!"

Dancing stops. "Jesus Christ lady have you seen a fucking People's magazine lately? I'm pale as casper!" The zombies begin to advance. Claire moon walks away from them. She makes it to the door. "Damn! How did she do the moonwalk better? That's your thing Mike!"

Micheal Jackson, "Must be those tight pants."

Meanwhile Claire walks into the court yard and somebody fires at her. She takes cover and fires three shots, taking out the spotlight.

Redhead jumps down and Claire has a gun pointed at him. "Sorry about that little misunderstanding. But I thought you were a member of the Arayan Bro..."

"Shut up. Make one wrong move and I'll shoot."

"Relax sugar tits. My name's Steve. And I'm guessing you're not from Umbrella."

"No I'm Claire. Claire Redfield."

Steve looks at her. "Claire...hmmm. Nice."

"Wait what were you about to say before I told you to shut up? You thought I was a skinhead?"

Steve frowns. "Yeah. I just don't want to get sodomized again!" Breaks down crying.

"Seriously My ass was sore for two weeks!"

Claire: "Uhhh.. Okay."

Steve heads for the door. "Where are you going?" Claire asks.

"I don't want you following me lady. You'd only slow me down."

Claire explodes. "What kind of sexist shit is that? I took the spotlight out and had you begging for mercy with three shots! You couldn't hit me with an SMG!"

Steve, "How is that sexist? Everybody knows women are weaker than men and they shouldn't be able to leave the house without first asking their husband."

Steve runs from the room.

(Next Steve/Claire scene.)

Steve is on a computer and Claire says, "What are you doing here?"

He clicks off the site he was on but Claire saw it before he did. Sherry Birkin and Barry Burton uncensored action.

"Chris Redfield...Is he a relative of yours or something? He's really well endowed."

Claire, "I know. And yes."

Steve, "Well it seems your brother is under surveilance by Umbrella!"

On the camera, Chris is pushing Rebecca's head toward his lap.

"What? I should tell Leon to get that information to him."

( don't remember all th lines.)

Steve, "Why don't you send your brother the coordinates so he'll help?"

Claire, "Thanks I'll do that!"

Steve, "Hey I was kidding. There's now way he could get here! Even if he is your brother."

Claire. "Yes he can. I'm sure of it!"

Steve grabs Claire by the throat. "I will not tolerate a woman back talking me!" Steve slaps her and says, "Get to earning bitch!"

Then runs from the room.

Claire waits twenty minutes and there is still no response from Leon. "Damn it! What could be taking him so long to respond?"

Mreanwhile Leon does not see Claire's email. He is too busy listening to Eddie Rabbitt's 'I love a rainy night'.

(My own Alfred Ashford scene.)

Alfred is crying and holding Alexia's dress which is stained in blood. He has makeup stains from crying as well.

An Umbrella employee walks in.

"Can't you knock?" Ashford says.

"Still grieiving over Alexia? How did she die sir?"

Alfred, "She died of a heart attack. We are trying to bring her back."

Employee, "Uh...If she died ofa heart attack, why is her dress covered in blood?"

Alfred, "It was that time of the month."

Employee. "What?"

Alfred, "What are you? A child? Once a month a woman has a cycle. A flow of blood comes from her butt hole! And now Alexia will never bleed from her butt hole again!"

Alfred cries again and the employee leaves disgusted.

(Cut to Wesker/Claire scene.)

Wesker, "Greeting. You must be the lovely Claire Redfield."

Claire, "Wesker?"

Wesker, "Damn you! You weren't supposed to know that yet! Uhhh yes."

Claire, "Chris told me you used to be on his side. Why are you evil now?"

Wesker, "Well I tried to be on the justice league but I make one joke about batman and I get banned for life!"

(Flashback.)

Wesker and all of the justice league heroes are getting drunk.

Wesker, "I am good at impressions."

J.L. "Do one!"

Wesker, in a deep voice. "Hey gimme your wallet."

Wesker in a high voice. "Don't shoot! We're batman's mommy and daddy!"

Wesker pulls out a gun and shots himself leaving a blood stain on the wall in the symbol of the batman.

Everybody is speechless.

(End of flashback.)

Claire, "But what did Chris do to you?"

Wesker grabs her by the throat. "I despise Chris! Seriously why does he always have to put gel in his hair?"

Claire, "What are you going to do to him?"

Wesker hits her and says, "This is a prison. So we're going to do what any guys would do in a shower."

Wesker stands on her shoulder. "How your brother will weep to see you die!"

Wesker gets a call on his radio. "What? Really? Italian Sausage pizza? And the super bowl? I'm game."

"I've decided to let you live a little longer."

Wesker speeds away.

(Chris/Wesker scene.)

"Long time no see Chris."

Chris, "Wait a minute...I know you...Weren't you in the Terminator movies?"

Wesker. "Its Wesker you idiot!"

Chris. "Oh. You're still alive?"

"Yes."

"You attacked the island. And my sister!"

Chris tries to shoot him but Wesker grabs him by the throat. "You have no idea how much I hate you. I've sold my ass...er...I mean my soul to a new organization."

Wesker chokes Chris until Alexia appears on the screen laughing.

Wesker, "Alexia?" He throws Chris and the screen goes blank.

Chris, "Who's that?"

Wesker, "Some girl I'm trying to nail. Losing my virginity wasn't so great."

(Wesker flashback)

Wesker is drunk at a frat party and is wearing a half shirt that exposes his stomach and a pair of juicy sweatpants. He also has lots of makeup on.

Suddenly the frat boys throw him against a pinball machine and take their turns.

Wesker, "No! Leave me alone! I'm saving myself for marriage!"

(End Flashback.)

Chris, "You're going to nail a dead chick?"

Wesker. "Hell yeah. I don't discriminate. You know what I don't like about vaginas?"

Chris, "What?"

Wesker, "Nothing. That's what."

Chris weakly stands up.

"Well anyway, my lips are sealed about your first time. I won't tell anybody."

Wesker "Oh I know you won't Chris. I know you won't."

Wesker puts a napkin around Chris's mouth until he passes out and then he takes off his black outfit. "And now to erase your memory of this entire conversation."

Wesker grins as he appraoches the unconscious Chris.

**That's all for now people! I don't know if this is funny so be honest! And sorry if the humor was a big wrong, like the pinball thing. It should be ok cause I had it happen to a guy though! But I have a twisted sense of humor!**

**Anyway I crave feedback! I will try to finish this in the next chapter! And also I will start on RE 4!**

**Later!**


	3. CV, and 4

**Hey people! I'm glad I can make you laugh! Not much to say so here is chapter 3! I am sorry it took so long. The order doesn't make sense so sorry for that but you can usually tell what I'm talking about. Again ppl, the dialouge is offensive but its in inuendo and should not be taken as my own opinions. They are not. This is just shock value. Enjoy!**

Claire walks into a room and is suddenly grabbed by a Bandersnatch. Steve hears her screams and wants to help but first he needs to finsd a weapon. He sees a table with many guns on them.

Steve looks. "Hmmm." He can't decide. There is an AK-47, a shotgun, a grenade launcher and two gold lugers.

Steve, "Can't decide. Ah what the hell." Steve grabs the gold lugers.

Then he crashes through a window and begins firing. It takes him about twenty shots to kill the thing but he finally does it.

"Your knight in blood covered armor is here! Wait...were those the right words?"

Claire, "You wish. But thanks for the help."

Steve, "Hey I just saved you! Show a nigga some love!"

Claire, "Um...ok. Here take these."

Claire held out two SMGs.

Steve, "Machinee guns. For me?"

Claire, "You know the deal. I give you these, you give me the um...guns that were likely used by Nazis in WW II."

Steve trades the guns with her and pulls the trigger. "Wait a minute! You tricked me! I should teach you a lesson!"

Claire, "Up there plenty of ammo. Gimme a boost and I'll get it for you."

Steve, "Fine."

He gives her a boost. "Jesus bitch! Time to go on a diet! How can you be so skinny and still weigh a lot? Must be those jeans that hide it so well..."

She gives him the ammo. Steve loads the gun.

The floor begins to lower and Alfred's voice says, "Now that your knight has joined you, he can be with you in your descent into death."

Steve, "Hmmm. I don't have a gaydar but I'm pretty sure that guy loves the cock."

Steve, "All right. Time to test out my new toy!"

Claire, "The one that vibrates? Oh I love..."

Steve, "No! That's for online when I'm talking to 13 year olds! I meant this" He waved the guns.

Steve runs out of the room and begins shooting zombies. He shoots a gas canister and pretty soon all the zombies are dead.

Steve says in high voice, "Thug life."

Claire follows him to bridge. Steve, "This thing is a lot better than people."

Claire, "Than people? Steve why are you here? Who brought you here?"

Steve, "i don't wanna talk about it!" Steve empties guns. Then runs to the elavator crying like a girl and sobbing in a high pitched voice.

Claire, "Jack ass."

(Wesker talks to Spencer, the person who called him.)

Wesker, "Why did you stop me? I was beating a woman! Do you know how selfish that is?"

Spencer, "I need to know how badly you attacked the island. How is the virus coming along?"

Wesker, "Great. Its even effected the dogs."

Wesker looks and sees Pluto with a revolver pointed at Goofy's head. "Is he the only fucking dog who can wear fucking pants? Well I wanna wear the fucking pants for once!" Pluto shoots him and then puts the gun in his own mouth and pulls the trigger.

(Take that Disney!)

Wesker, "I need to go. One of the TV's has sex and the city playing."

(Skip to Alexia vs. Wesker.)

Wesker "Alexia Ashford. You have the virus. I want it!"

Alexia, "You want it? You are not worth of its power!"

Alexia's dress begins to burn. Chris, "Hey thats one hot chick! Get it? Hot chick?"

Alexia smacks him. He lands on his feet. "You're coming with me. In more ways than one." He tells her.

Alexia yelled, "You can't hit a girl!"

Wesker, "Yes I can. My father did it all the time!"

Alexia throws fire at him and Wesker dodges and so does Chris. Wesker shake fire offf his arm. "Chris, since you were my best man and best rent boy...I'll let you handle this."

Wesker runs out quickly.

(Beginning of RE 4. Sorry ppl. This will be more in order!)

Leon: "1998. I'll never forget that year. Before I went to the acedemy I was getting it on with two college girls. A black girl and a Mexican girl. My parents wanted me to find an Irish girl but I look at it like this. Its all pink on the inside...Wait what were we talking about? Oh right 1998. So this crack head in the middle of the road tries to grab my Italian design shoes so I shoot te bitch but more zombies/heroin addicts keep coming so I keep firing. Then I met Claire, went on a crazy adventure and now I'm here."

Spanish Police escort. "Uh...Who were you talking to?"

Leon, "Did I just say all that out loud"

Spanish police, "Yes. Yes you did. Crazy American." The vehicle stops for the cop to pee. The other cop offers Leon a cigarette.

Leon declines, "I only smoke sherm."

Spaniard, "What is that?"

Leon, "Its when you dip a cigarette or a joint in embalming fluid. Either that or PCP. Angel Dust. Its called getting wet!"

The Spaniard is still peeing. Leon looks and says, "Hey its a cock, but smaller!"

They drive toward the village. Leon gets out and walks into the cabin.

He sees a Spanish man carrying firewood and throwing it into the fire.

"Excuse me sir? Have you seen this girl? She went missing."

Leon shows him the picture. "I wonder if she's legal..."

The Spanish man curses at him in Spanish. Leon says, "Sorry, I don't speak Italian."

The Spaniard says, "Its not Italian you dumb shit. Its Spanish!"

Leon, "Holy shit, you speak English?"

Spaniard, "No, just that last sentence and this one explaining it."

Leon, "You're kidding."

Spaniard, "Que?"

Suddenly the Spaniard grabs a hatchet and swings at Leon. Leon barely dodges it. The man begins to advance.

Leon, "Look we can settle this like gentlemen or we can get into some gangsta shit."

The Spaniard keeps coming closer. Leon pulls out pistol and shoots him four times. "I told ya." Leon examines body.

Leon, "What the hell does that say? He's...not...a...zombie...Oh! He's not a zombie!"

Two minutes later...

Leon is pissed since he lost his ride.

He sees a wounded dog cut in a bear trap. "Poor guy." Leon frees the dog.

Leon, "That is some pretty fur." Leon then takes out his knife and stabs the dog until it dies.

Five minutes later, Leon has a fur coat made from the dog. "hmmm. I look like P Diddy."

Leon, "I have a bad hair cut. I should probably find a hat too." Leon sees a bald eagle land nearby.

"Wow. The American mascot..." Leon snaps its neck.

Five minutes later he has made a hat out of the bald eagle.

Leon enters the village and sees the burning police officer.

Leon, "Hmmm. I wonder if he's dead? I'd hate to be him if I lived through that!"

Leon's comment has alerted the villagers. They scream in Spanish and advance toward him with farmer tools. Leon lifts up his shirt to reveal his pistol. "Oh we got a motherfuckin problem? We got a problem nigga? We got a problem?"

A/N (That was a Boyz N Tha Hood reference. lol. I thought it would be funny to use a line from Ice Cube in Boyz N Tha Hood and use it on Leon. A white guy. Its racial humor but I'm equal with it.)

They get closer and Leon begins firing. He is stabbed with a pitchfork. "Ow! Damn it! That's gonna leave a scar! Now my abs won't be sexy for the ladies any more!"

He shoots the female villager and proceeds to head into the house with the shotgun. Leon here's the chainsaw. "What are they planning? I hope this doesn't go like all the shower scenes in Oz!"

Leon runs upstairs and sees a shotgun. He also sees an M-16 and a grenade launcher. "Hmm. I'd better go with firepower on this one." Leon grabs the shotgun and heads downstairs to face the Ganados. They have broken in and Leon cocks the shotgun and says, "Thug life!"

Leon looks at camera. "What? The best line in the game is stolen later. 'It's game time' I' never coming to Germany again."

(Scene where Leon meets Luis.)

Leon opens the cabinet and Luis falls out.

Leon, "Say, either you are a hostage to these crazy Dutch villagers, or this is the shooting of a porno!"

Leon takes the tape off Luis's mouth.

Luis, "Little rough don't you think?"

Leon, "Oh my God! You're Antonio Banderas! I fucking loved you Desperado! You were also adorable as that kitty in Shrek 2. Can I have your autograph?"

Luis, "Wow you Americans are ignorant."

Leon, "Hey now that's not a fair statement! We're a free country! We weren't founded by slavery, genocide or religious persecution. Nope! Never happened! That's why the world loves us!"

The Village chief walks in and Luis says, "Great. The big cheese."

Leon, "Cheese? Really? Where? I smoked a LOT of pot earlier! I gotta get something to eat!"

Leon sees the village chief. "Hmmm. I think this calls for a Bruce Lee kick. I've never taken martial arts but seeing it on TV is just as good!"

Leon tries to kick him and gets thrown on his ass.

(I'm skipping some scenes. I'm a bit limited in comic material for entire games so I just do what I can.)

Leon has just broken the neck of the Ganado that cut him free with the axe.

Leon starts to head outside. A merchant looks in the window. "Over here, stranger." He laughs in a creepy annoying way.

Leon goes outside and the merchant says, "Got something that might interest ya." He opens up his robe to reveal that he is nude underneath.

Leon, "What the fuck? I mean my frat boy days were crazy but come on!"

Merchant closes robes. "Well I guess I forgot to stock up. hehehe. But you can use the machine I got it from. Its on the other side of this cabin." Leon goes and finds a vending machine with lots of guns. He buys a TMP and a Rifle. "Nice. I like these guns. I need some target practice."

Leon equips the TMP and he sees a crow nearby. "Its not like that game, duck hunt but it'll do!"

Leon sqeezes off a few rounds and kills the bird, the rounds tearing it apart. "King of the jungle, my ass!"

Leon changes out of his P Diddy outfit and puts on a hunter outfit that makes him look like a redneck. He even has a hat with ear muffs on.

Leon goes out to where the Ganados are and begins firing. He shoots the gas tank near another cabin. He blows up a few Ganados.

One of the Ganados tosses a dynamite stick at him. "Wow that sparkly light is so pretty. I can't take my eyes off..." Boom!

Leon is wounded and has to use a first aid spray. "Aw god damn it!"

Leon runs around and grabs the two keys without killing the enemies. "See ya later fuckos!"

(Scene where Leon finds Ashley.)

Leon, "Hmm. What a church. I hope she really is here. I gotta get laid. But not like when I lost my virginity."

(Flashback)

(This scene is based off of a Drawn Together episode which is making fun of a Jody Foster movie. I'm doing this more along the lines of the DT episode.)

Leon is at a frat party wearing his shirt tied in a knot like a midriff top and is also wearing a mini skirt and makeup. Everybody is drinking a lot. He is really drunk. He leans on the pin ball machine. All the frat boys start to advance toward him with grins on their faces.

"Leave me alone! This isn't Bible camp! Noooooo!"

Three hours later Leon runs home to his parents and begins sobbing and hugs his mother. His father is sitting in a chair reading a newspaper with the headline, BEST KEGGER EVER!

(End of flashback.)

Leon comes into the room. Ashley throws a stick at him. "Don't come!"

Leon, "If I had a nickel for everytime I heard that line...Anyway I'm here to rescue you. I was sent by the most powerful man in America."

Ashley, "Oprah?"

Leon, "Your father."

Ashley, "Ohhhhh."

Leon, "Let's get you out of here."

They leave and Leon jumps down the ladder but then he aims up and looks up her skirt. "Hey what are you looking at? Oh! You pervert!"

Leon, "Oh whatever bitch. You knew what you were doing when you put on that skirt!"

Ashley, "Wait till the end of the gae. Then we'll talk."

She jumps down and he catches her.

They then see Saddler. "We'll take the girl."

Leon, "How much will you pay for her?"

Ashley, "Leon!"

Saddler, "No longer will the United States police the world! When she gets back, there will be one hell of a party."

Ashley, "Leon, they put something in my neck. And other places..."

Leon, "What did you do to her?"

Saddler, "Ya know...stuff."

Leon, "Rain or thunder, you're going down...Wait that's not right, is it?"

Two monks fire crossbows and Leon grabs Ashley and they jump through the window.

As they land Leon stares at Ashley's white panties. "Sweet statutory!"

Ashley, "Oh! You pervert."

Leon says with sarcasm, "Yeah my boxers just got smaller cause I'm a gentlemen. Come on! Let's get you back to President Bush...eer I mean president Graham!"

They go outside and see that there is a bunch of ganados standing there. Leon shoots the cart and it catches on fire and crashes into the Ganados killing several of them.

Leon blows on the smoke from the TMP and says, "Git r done!"

Leon is still wearing his redneck hunter outfit.

Leon finishes off the rest of the Ganados with his pistol. "All right. Let's go!"

Leon, "How old are you? Like sixteen?"

Ashley replies, "I'm twenty!"

Leon says under breath, "Yes! She's legal!"

(Scene with Salazar intro.)

High pitched giggles sound through the room.

Leon, "That is the girliest laugh I've ever heard!"

Salazar, "We're only interested in the girl."

Leon replies, "Buddy I don't think you've EVER been interested in girls! What's with the oufit? And who the fuck are you? The fuckin stunt double for the midget on Jackass?"

"I am Salazar. The leader of this castle."

Leon, "Sala whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?"

Salazar, "You aren't worth a penny I'm afraid. You can die."

Leon, "Wait come back here! What's with the guards? They look like something from a star wars movie!"

(Scene when Ashley gets recaptured.)

Ashley coughs up blood.

Leon, "Whoa! Is that your period? I thought women only bled out of their butt hole! Are you okay?"

Ashley, "I'm fine! Leave me alone!" She pushes him away and runs.

Leon, "You picked the wrong person to push bitch! Now you're dead!"

He chases her but they are seperated by a pair of bars that almost impale Ashley. She keeps running but more keep popping up as she does.

Leon, "Oh no! You're not getting away that easily! I'm gonna find you!" Finally she is strapped to the wall and the wall turns around like an Indiana Jones movie. Leon gets a call on his radio.

Salazar, "It seems Ashley fell into one of our wonderful traps."

Leon, "How did you get this number? Where is that smoking hot secretary Hunnigan? She might wear glasses but I bet she is a kinky whore at the end of the day."

Salazar, "We've jacked the line. We didn't want you telling them about us using children as coke mu...errrr I mean any vital information."

"Don't you worry about Ashley. We'll find her. Then we're going to give her a hot shot."

Leon, "I thought you already put the plagas in her."

Salazar, "We did. Now we want to give her some heroin! I let out my miserable insects out in the sewer."

Leon, "The backstreet boys?"

Salazar, "No, you fool! They are...Never mind. It'll be a surprise."

Leon, "That's good cause boredom kills me. I was once so bored I stuck a hamster in the microwave. I called it 'pop goes the hamster'."

Salazar was silent.

"Also I like to stick new born baby's feet first into a blender. ya know, just to see the look on its face."

Salazar sighs.

(Ada, Leon scene.)

"Put your hands where I can see them."

Leon, "Sorry but following a lady's lead just isn't my style. I learned that from my father. He'd only choke her to show he was the man. He also showed me love by throwing beer bottles at me."

Ada, "Put them up now."

Leon grabs the gun and Ada but she backflips and kicks the the gun away and Leon gets close to her throat and has the blade at her neck.

"Bit of advice. Try using knives next time. Works better for close encounters. Also you shouldn't wear a dress. Claire could dodge bullets because she wore very tight pants. It has powers like you wouldn't believe."

Ada takes off her shades. "Leon. Long time, no see."

Leon, "Holy shit! Ada! I didn't know that was you! I would have never guessed if you hadn't taken the glasses off! How are ya? Oh wait...I'm pissed at you! You work with Wesker... Why Ada?"

Ada, "Cause he's a gigalo and he loves them hoes."

Leon is silent but then then the shades release a bright light and Leon is blinded. "See you around. I mean it. I want to see you again. I'm tired of buying batteries for vibrators." Ada says.

She is gone. Luis then comes in. "Leon! Any luck finding Ashley since you lost her again?"

Leon, "Luis what are you doing here? You aren't in this scene! Jus the ones in the village, and the one where you give me the drug to stop the egg from hatching. That doesn't work out for you so well."

Luis, "I'm improvising! Hey do you have any advice for me on dating? I want to try and get with the president's daughter."

Leon, "Well do you know the best thing about fucking a twenty year old virgin?"

Luis, "What?"

"Pretending she's ten!"

They both laugh.

Five minutes later Leon shows Luis different sex positions. Leon is pretending to have sex in different positions. Leon grabs a lamp and starts humping it. "I totally did this to a girl once."

Luis, "I wish I was a girl."

Leon says, "This is the manliest position in the world." Leon gets on all four and starts gyrating his butt, as though he is being screwed from behind.

(Luis Death Scene.)

Leon is appoached by Luis who says, "I got it." Suddenly he is impaled.

Saddler catches the sample. "Soonm Salazar will make sure you suffer the same fate."

Leon runs after Saddler in slow motion. "Nooooooooooo!"

Saddler leaves.

Luis, "Why are you so slow?"

Leon, "Cause I just took some oxxxyyyyy cotttttttooon."

Luis, "I was undecover but he figured me out. The sample. You have to get it back!"

Luis hands Leon a pill bottle and two tablets. Leon looks at them.

"The pills are to stop the egg from hatching. The tablets are roofies to put in Ashley's drink when you get out of here. Fuck her for me Leon."

Leon, "I might fuck her but I'll be thinking of you."

Leon and Luis begin french kissing until Luis coughes up blood. "Lopez!" Leon cries.

"Luis...Its Luis."

"Lewis!"

Luis, "No, you spelled it wrong!"

Leon, "Uhhhhhh...Mitch!"

Luis, "Jesus. Pinche idioto." Luis dies.

Ashley screams, "Leon! Heeeeelp!"

Leon, "Oh my god! You are so fucking needy! Wait a minute! Damn! It isn't like you got an emergency!"

(Leon/Krauser scene)

Leon, "Hmmm. I don't see anybody here but I'm going to ironically pull out my knife anyway because of lazy game writers."

Krauser tries to stab him but he dodges. Leon is cut on the cheek.

"Been a long time, comrade."

Leon, "Krauser! What's up, bromosexual?"

"I died in a car crash two years ago. Is that what they told you? I got a joke for you. What was the last thing to go through pricess diana's mind? The windshield."

Leon, "You're the one who kidnapped Ashley."

Krauser, "I needed to earn Saddler's trust. Like you, I'm American. A gun toting, bomb dropping, xenophobic American."

he attacks but Leon dodges again and they begin stabbing at each other and having a knife fight. Their blades crashing against each other.

"All for Umbrella's sake. I mean they can be crooks but it beats the hell outta Wal Mart!"

Leon, "Umbrella? Are you talking about the company or the song by Rihanna?"

Krauser, "The company. Enough talk, die comrade!"

He tries to stab Leon but there is a gunshot and the knife goes flying and Leon kicks him off of him.

Krauser, "Well if it isn't the bitch in the red bra...I mean dress."

Ada, "Looks like we've got the upper hand here. Seriously. I'm standing higher up than you."

Krauser, "Just because you got lucky...Ah screw it. The hell with my lines. These Japanese game makers aren't paying me well enough. I'll just see you later."

Ada, "You two know each other?"

Leon, "More or less. What brings yo her, ass and tits?"

Ada says, "Maybe I'll tell you later."

Meanhile Wesker is explaining to Irving, their new employee, what was happening in Spain.

"So...You were just using Krauser to get rid of Leon? Lot of good that did."

Wesker, "We'll get him soon. After all, he doesn't have the pants that Claire does. However if I trust you with us, you must be loyal. Ada is just pretending to be on my side."

Irving, "Oh I'm not like them. I'm a business man with staaaaandards. I won't join up with Chris Redfield."

Wesker, "Oh I know you won't Irving.. I know you won't."

Wesker pours a bottle of liquid onto a napkin and puts it over Irving's mouth until he passes out.

Wesker, "And now to erase your memory of this entire conversation." Wesker grins as he begins to remove his clothes.

To be continued...

**That's alll I can think of for funny material for now. If I update again, it will be for Resident Evil 5. I hope you liked this despite how wrong it is! Anyway let me know. Tell me your favorite parts! By the way I did Irving's quote from RE 5 cause it was wierd how he said Standards. Plus what terrorist wears guyliner? Sorry for repeat of Wesker screwing ppl while they are out cold but I get a kick out of it!**

**Anyway please R&R! later!**

**A.S.**


	4. 4 and 5

**Here we go, chapter 4! This will cut into the end on 4 and start into 5! Thank you rainfox and everybody else who gave good feedback! I hope you like this chapter as well! **

Leon has finally gotten the plagas out of his and Ashley's body. Krauser is dead. Now Leon is headed up an elevator and has left Ashley behind. He sees Ada tied up and sees Saddler. "What is with you and taking people hostage? Why don't you just kill them?" Leon asks.

Saddler grins. "That can be arranged."

Leon, "No! Wait a sec...uuhhhh...I have a joke!"

Saddler, "This better be good. Go on..."

Leon, "So Jesus walks into a motel, he hands the inn lkeeper three nails and he asks, 'Can you put me up for the night?"

Saddler laughs. "Bravo. But now it is time for you to die!"

Saddler tries to cause Leon chest pain but Leon says, "Sorry. A bump of coke and a bit of electricity took that away!" He throws his knife and cuts Ada down.

Leon begins firing his TMP. Saddler turns into some spider/crab like thing. Leon empties an entire mag into him but it doesn't kill him. Saddler knocks him down witha crab leg. Leon, "Whoa that was close. Legs should never be this long!"

Saddler, "It can do more than walk, if you catch my dift."

Leon gets out the Mine Thrower and fires it. The Mine explodes and Saddler is weakened. Leon runs up and stabs him in his center eye.

Saddler knocks him back. Saddler summons a group of ganados.

Leon, "Hey that's cheating! You can't do that! That's not in the game!"

Saddler, "Has any of this gone by the script? At all?"

Leon, "Fair enough." Leon begins to enter a cheat and he gets more weapons. He now has an AK-47.

Saddler, "What the hell?"

Leon, "At least in Grand Theft Auto I get weapon cheats!" Leon begins opening fire on the Ganados. Many of the ganados change shape and start to look like Latino gang members. Leon switches weapons and has an Uzi. He opens fire and drops three gangsters with the rounds. "Welcome to San Andreas, fool!"

Leon sees another thug in a low rider and runs up and pulls him out of the car and shoots him and then yanks his wallet.

Leon then gets in the car. Daddy Yankee is playing. Leon switches it to the rock station. "Nah."

He switches it to the rap station. "Nah."

(My sister used to play this. Its an annoying song but I'm using it for comical purposes. This was done in Meet the Spartans as well.)

Finally he settles on a song and begins singing to it. "I'm a barbie girl, in a barbie world, wrapped in plastic, its fantastic."

Leon gets out of the car and guns down the rest of the gang members and Ganados and also takes their wallets. Saddler yells, "Enough of this video game violence! Die!" He begins to chase him but Leon runs across a bridge just before it gives out. However Saddler jumps over and Ada grabs a rocket launcher and throws it. "Here, use this!"

Leon, "So that was you at the end of the 2nd game."

Leon takes the weapon and fires.

He kills Saddler.

(Escape scene.)

Leon and Ashley are headed for the boat. Leon jumps down the ladder and aims his Sniper Rifle back up and looks at Ashley's panties. "Oh! You pervert!"

He does it again. "Hey, what are you looking at?"

Leon hears the countdown. They had a minute and thirty seconds. "Damn, that's right."

After they have made it off the island Ashley ends up in the water. Leon stares at her. "Nice. You're all wet."

Leon helps her onto the jet ski and they drive off. "Mission accomplished. Right Leon?"

Leon, "No. We still need to get you home. Then I need a bump of coke and a lot of whiskey."

Ashley, "After we get back, how about we do some...overtime?"

Leon, "Are you a virgin?"

Ashley, "How dare you!"

Leon, "Well I'm only asking because what if they kidnapped every virgin daughter of world leaders? Then they got 72 virgins! Why do Muslims like 72 virgins? How about 72 sluts who know what they're doing?"

Ashley, "UUhhh...I don't think these people were Muslim. I'm pretty sure they were Spaniards."

Leon, "Hey, who works for the government, me or you?"

Ashley sighs. "Okay. But you still didn't give an answer."

Leon, "Okay. Fine. But you have to cry and beg me to stop."

Leon and Ashley ride off in the distance.

Two months later

Leon and Ada finally hook up. They are making out and are starting to kiss all over each other's bodies. Soon they are going at it. First in missionary and then Ada begins to ride him.

Suddenly the door bursts open and Wesker yells, "I'm next!" He is naked other than his sunglasses, and for some strange reason, fully erect.

Leon, "Get outta here Wesker! Ada's mine! Get your own!"

Wesker speeds up to them and grabs Ada and throws her off the bed. "Who said anything about Ada?"

Wesker grins as he walks toward Leon.

(Resident Evil 5)

2006

Two days before Chris and Jill have to go after Wesker. Chris is watching the news at the safehouse they rented. He and Jill will be going out later. It might be their last chanceto spend time with each other. Chris is watching cops. The police man on the show said, "We're going after a man who once was a hero to this country. He protected the presidents daughter. However after being fired, he is unemployed and runs a drug and prostitution ring. We're approaching his place now. Most of the women he pimps are from Vietnam or the South."

Suddenly Leon Kennedy comes out of the house fully nude and firing a handgun. He wounds the cops and though he is shot back a couple of times, it doesn't hurt him as he is high on speed. Leon shouts at one of the Vietnamese hookers. "You still owe me money! Di Di mao! Run but I will find you! You'd better give me my money!"

Leon sees a southern hooker running as well. "Get back here! Bitch better have my cornbread!"

(See if you get this movie reference. It won't be the exact word but just see if u know it.)

Leon continues to shoot at the police andbackup has to be called. Leon approaches the camera man with his smoking pistol. Suddenly his penis begins flopping around and then stares at the camera and yells, "Biohazard!"

Finally the show ended and Fox News came on. "I'm Justin Credible. There has always been terrorism in our world but now it has a new face. We will show you some terrorists of the past and one of the future."

They showed footage of Hitler, Stalin, Saddam, and Osama Bin Laden. Finally they showed Wesker. Wesker rips his pants and boxers off, thankfully it is edited. Wesker begins thrusting at the camera yelling, "I wanna to fuck the head off a fucking pig and then rip its fucking guts out and then fuck its fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck fuck fucky fuck fuck fuck fuck..."

Jill shows up and says, "Are you ready to go?"

Chris, "Yes. Let's go."

Chris narrating: "Jill Valentine has a pair of tits that won't quit! I want to make love to her. And then make a romance explosion on her stomach."

Chris talking, "So Jill, I was thinking we could go to the Outback for dinner."

Jill, "That sounds great."

Chris narrating, "It was supposed to be a perfect date. But everything that could have gone wrong, did go wrong!"

Jill looks angry as Chris is making out with the waiter, a young man, named Adam. Chris says, "You look like you're having a bad time!"

Jill, "That's because you're kissing our waiter!"

Chris, "Yeah but he brought our food! I don't want to tip him!"

Chris, "I'm sorry, I thought it would go different. Better than this!"

Jill, "Really? How?"

Chris draws a picture and shows her. It shows Chris and the guy serving them, making out but this time Jill is smiling and giving a thumbs up.

Jill, "I can't stay mad at you. Let's go to my place. We can have dinner there."

Chris and Jill leave. The waiter takes out his genitals and rubs them all over their food.

A random guy yells, "He's porking it! Get it? Porking it!"

2008

Chris is unloading the jeep, preparing for his mission.

Sheva, "Welcome to Africa."

Chris, "Africa? What are you talking about? I thought we were in Harlem!"

Sheva sighs. "I'm your new partner. I'll be helping you. They hate Americans in this village. Also, pretty much most white people. Except Eminem. Anyway come on."

Chris, "I speak African. Botswana, voodoo, gumbo, mende, Bishop Tutu, dashiki, toto."

Sheva, "I find that offensive."

They walk toward the entrance to Kijuju. The soldier searches Sheva and grabs her ass. "You don't have to get touchy! But here's my number."

She gives the soldier her number.

They enter Kijuju and head for the deal's location.

Chris and Sheva see the arms dealer.

Arms Dealer: "Good. You're both here."

Chris: "Wait a minute. I thought this was Africa? I didn't know there were Saudi Arabians here!"

Arms Dealer: "I am from Morocco. Besides, there are plenty of people in Africa who are from foreign lands."

Chris:"Yeah but Morocco isn't in Africa! Isn't that somewhere near Italy?"

Sheva, "Actually..."

Arms Dealer: "No, you dumb American! It is in North Africa!"

Chris: "North Africa? That's not the real Africa! Just like South America isn't the real America! I mean Africa has, safaris, animals, Mount Kilimanjaro. North Africa is a crappy land mass of nowhere!"

Arms Dealer: "This guy is an idiot. This way. I have your weapons."

He gives them handguns. "Have you heard of Uroburos?"

Chris, "Rumors of a D day project."

Arms Dealer: "You mean Doomsday? D day was World War II. Jesus, buddy, I am from a third world country and I still know history better than you! Yes, and it is no rumor. Irving is the man you want. He knows all about it."

Sheva: "How do we know who Irving is?"

Arms Dealer: "You cannot misss him. He's the terrorist with guyliner on. Plus he's the only white man other than Chris and Wesker in these parts."

Chris: "Wesker? I thought he's..."

Arms Dealer: "Oh shit! Almost ruined it! I already said too much. I'm just sad I won't be able to be there...Anyway get outta here and catch a terrorist you crazy kids!"

Chris: "Whatever happens, we stick together."

Sheva, "Don't worry. I may not be as big as you but I can hold my own."

Chris: "You have a penis? Who knew?"

Sheva: "Not what I meant."

Chris: "Ohhhh right. Well I know you'll do fine. I had a woman for a partner before and she had some tig old bitties!" Chris grins as he thinks of Jill's breasts.

Sheva asks: "But do you have a big cock?"

Chris: "Wel I don't like to blow my own horn. But for five bucks I could..."

Later on Chris and Sheva are in a cabin and see a crowd and they are about to preform an execution. They see the Arms Dealer.

"You dont know what you are talking about! You can all go to hell! Or Mexico! They are both pretty bad."

Chris: "Damn! They got him! Just when I was craving a slurpee..."

The Arms Dealer looks at the big man with the axe.

"Go ahead! What doesn't kill me will make me stronger! Wait...never mind."

He is decapitated. Then the Majini with the loudspeaker points and yells and the mob of people come running toward the cabin.

As they break the windows, Chris yells, "Mortak Kombat!" Suddenly very annoying techno music begins playing.

Sheva: "This is the wrong game!"

Chris: "Who cares? It goes with the scene!"

Chris began firing at the majinis. Four, five shots hit a man in the chest while Sheva also opens fire.

Chris: "Wow. This is a more culturally diverse group of enemies. Thanks to the Japanese producers. They claim that the allegations of racism against the game, had nothing to do with them changing things up but we all know better! They didn't want to look bad! Plus Sheva is my partner for the same reason! Seriously! I wonder if affirmative action had anything to do with that?"

Sheva: "Shut up and help me!" She is being grabbed by a majini.

Chris: "Oh for christ sakes Sheva! Get a room! Oh wait..."

Chris punches him off of her. "Little something I used to use on Claire. That's what she gets for borrowing my Black Sabath album without my permission!"

They head outside. "Come in Kirk! The locals are hostile!"

Kirk: "Really? How hostile? German hostile? Viet Cong? Al Quieda?"

Chris: "Uhhhh...actually more like left eye from TLC!"

Kirk: "Oh shit! Women from the Hip Hop Scene are crazy! We'll be there soon! Just hang on until then!"

Sheva opens fire on a gas barrel and it catches several majinis on fire.

Chris: "Oh shit! Someone brought her A game!"

Chris empties an entire clip into the axe majini and it doesn't harm him.

Chris: "Somebody didn't forget their steroids!"

Finally backup arrived.

"Its gonna get hot down there! Find some cover!"

A man wearing a mask aims an RPG out of the chopper.

Chris: "Hmmm. That guy looks a lot like hunk..."

Sheva: "Move, you idiot!"

They take cover and the chopper cleans up the rest of the majnis.

Chris: "Thanks for the backup!"

HQ: "No problem. Hip Hop bitches is one thing but what if they had gotten as hostile as a drunken jock at a roofie party? I'm glad I could help."

Excella/Wesker scene.

Excella shows up to give Wesker his shot but he is not there. She can hear Wesker in the bathroom wailing.

Excella: "Wesker?"

Wesker: "Oh Alexia! How could you leave me like this? Ohhhhh!" Wesker bursts out of the bathroom and puts his clothes back on a in a speedy flash.

Wesker: "All done. What's on your mind?"

Excella: "Uhh...Well..you're going to need somebody to help you in your new world. I was thinking maybe I could be your new partner?"

Wesker explodes and grabs her by the throat. "What? How dare you! It is way to soon to think about that! So I won't and I'll just say yes. Welcome aboard partner!"

(I didnt have anything thought out for this scene. Lol.)

**To be continued...**

**Sorry it was so short ppl! I don't have a lot of time! I gotta run to work. I'm covering a shift. I am a bit low on ideas for now so be easy! Anyway tell me if have any critism. Sorry if it isn't funny enough. Anyway ppl, hope u enjoyed!**


	5. 5: Kijuju

**Okay, finally an update! Just beware that some of this content is from the show Drawn Together but I wanted to use it on Resident Evil characters. A lot of it is Captain Hero matertial. The perverted, psyhco, non heroic parody of superman. Anyway again, I hope u like it people! This will have the introduction of Irving who is a really wierd motherfucka in RE 5 so this won't be much of a stretch! This chapter is racist, sexist and all around sexually rude! Take it witha grain of salt! I don't go into detail of RE 5 fights cause this is more for comical purpose. Also theh Barry scene is unrelated but is a DT material on RE characters. Anyway kick back and read!**

Chris Redfield sees a blonde woman being dragged and she is screaming, "Help!"

Chris: "I didn't hear you say please..."

Sheva: "Come on, you idiot!"

Chris: "Uhhhh ok."

They make their way toward the building but Chris grabs a shotgun from a cabin, that is hanging on the wall. "Git R done..."

**(Lol I hate Larry the Cable guy but I thought that line would fit for being random.)**

They make their way into the building. The woman falls on Chris.

Chris: "Are you ok? Have you been doing smack? Seriously! You look out of it!" She tries to bite him with the venus fly trap face but Sheva fires and she backs away.

Sheva: "They weren't kidding. Drugs do affect your physical appearance! I don't she's using smack. I think this is a meth head!"

They both open fire on the parasite coming out of her head. The handgun bullets seem to anger it.

Chris pulls out shotgun. "You are terminated!"

He fires. He fires again and the parasite explodes. They fin ish off the remaining majinis in the room. Sheva then finds jewelry in a box.

Chris: "Leave it to a woman to find the jewelry! That's how I get a girl to slob the knob. I give her something shiny from the pawn shop. Then I give her a pearl necklace!"

Sheva: "I'm going to assume you don't mean pearl necklace as jewelry, do you?"

Chris: "No. Its when you come on a girls neck until the semen makes a necklace!"

Sheva: "God! Don't be so disgusting! Besides, you're one to talk! Americans love to use blood diamonds for weddings. You don't care about African children who die in the mining camps!"

Chris: "That's not true! Now the Iraqi schools we bomb? That's true! I don't care!"

Sheva, "Well then I don't care about 9/11!"

Chris whispers: "Calm down...Therapist said people would be like this...You can't go around throwing people off of buildings. That part of your life is over..."

Later that day...

Chris and Sheva come into the courtyard. They see the downed helicopter.

Chris: "Where did they learn to drive? Hong Kong driving school?"

Sheva: "You do realize that he's our team mate right?"

Chris: "I don't know him!"

Suddenly a bunch of majinis on dirt bikes come after them. Chris tackles Sheva: "Look out!"

He grabs her breasts as he falls. Then the bike begins to pull him.

Chris: "Sheva! Help!"

Sheva: "No! Not until you keep your hands to yourself!

Chris: "Damn it! I'll take you to pinkberry after this is oveeeeer!"

Sheva: "Okay!" She fires her pistol and breaks the chain. A biker reveals his majini face.

Sheva: "Honestly when this first started, I thought the people just had a bad touch of the Rabis."

Chris: "Don't you mean rabies? All though they are both untreatable diseases!"

The bikes come at them again. Yet they dodge and a shot is fired and one of the majinis is killed. Then another is fired and a maijini is knocked from his bike and is crushed by another bike which sends the other majini to be impaled by a piece of wood. The reinforcments arrive.

Chris: "Thanks for the help out there. I haven't seen such fine shooting since the Kennedy assasination!"

Josh: "I'm Captain Stone. Delta Team."

Chris: "I'm Chris Redfield."

Sheva: "I trained underneath Josh. He taught me everything I know."

Chris: "Don't you mean, trained under Josh?"

Sheva blushes: "That's what I said!"

Josh: "Sheva become the baby sister of the team. In a metaphorical sense. I consider her the kind of sister you can still date..."

Sheva clears her throat loudly.

Josh nervously says: "Anyway, You two need to after Irving. He went through the mines."

Sheva: "How will we know who Irving is?"

Josh: "Trust me. You can't miss him.

Ten minutes later...

Chris and Sheva are going through the mines and have made it past the dark part after killing lots of majinis. They were in a lit area now but there were still enemies nearby.

Chris: "I'm going to try and get us some backup."

Chris types a quick text message to Barry. Barry ITS CHRIS. IN KIJUJU AND NEED YOUR GET HERE ASAP. BY THE WAY SAW THAT MOVIE BRUNO LIKE U TOLD ME TO. FUNNY! LAUGHED SO HARD I CRAPPED MYSELF!

(lol. I made his spelling suck like most text messages.)

Sheva: "Why do you need more backup?"

Chris: "I'm scared of the dark! When we were in the caves, I couldn't see you in the dark! Because you blended in!"

Sheva angrily replies: "I'm not even that dark! I'm light brown! uhhhhh...Anyway I couldnt see you either Chris!"

Chris: "Well you should have. You were holding the light!"

They dispose of several majinis on the way to the elavator out of the mines.

They head up the stairs of a house and they see Irving there. Irving had guyliner on and was jerking off. He quickly pulls his pants up and points his gun at them. "You must be Irving!"

Irving "Wow. Perceptive aren't ya? Hello tall, dark, and beautiful!"

Sheva: "Enough with the racial comments!"

Irving: "I was talking to your partner!" Irving raises his eyebrows at Chris.

Sheva: "You're just like the other piece of scum terrorists!"

Irving: "Oh I'm not like them. I'm a business man with staaaandards. Plus I'm wearing Italian designer shoes? Hello? Terrorists only wear pajamas."

(He stretches out and emphasizes standards ina fruity way.)

Chris: "Drop your weapon! And stop staring at my groin! Look at my eyes, not my balls!"

Irving: "Or...how bout you drop yours? Your pants and your gun!"

Suddenly the window breaks a smoke grenade comes in. The masked woman grabs him. "Hurry!"

Irving: "No! Not yet! I got a quarter chub!"

flashback scene

Sheva and Chris are on the boat through the marshlands.

Sheva: "What happened to your partner?"

Chris: "We were after a man named Albert Wesker..."

(Flashback scene.)

"Jill's body was never found. She was presumed dead. I never got to sodomize her like I wanted to. And I didn't save a bunch of money on my car insurance..." Chris begins crying like a girl. Sheva hugs him and he rests his head on her chest.

Chris: "Oooooh yeah. You like comforting me don't ya bitch?"

Sheva: "You and Jill were close."

Chris nods: "Like a catholic priest and a choir boy."

Sheva: "You may want to watch where you're driving." Chris almost crashes but regains control.

Chris: "So what made you join the BSAA?"

Sheva: "I guess just like a tampon, I got a taste of blood and wanted more."

Meanwhile Barry recieves text message from Chris.

Barry: "Chris is in trouble? My God I gotta help him!" Barry googles an online summary of RE 5.

Barry: "My God! Weskers in this! Superhuman! I can't help Chris if I don't equal his power!"

Barry goes to a health store to buy steroids. The clerk says: "We have what you need. Follow me into the back room."

Barry: "If I could follow you, I wouldn't need steroids!"

Over the next few days Barryy develops an addiction to steroids and the RE cast stage an intervention.

Claire: "Okay, we need to lure Barry here so I'm going to use a trick." She remembers the porno vids he made with Sherry and a donkey. He used to have a fetish for 12 year old girls and donkeys. Maybe some sick virgin mary fantasy. All Claire knew is that Barry had sex with Sherry after they escaped from Raccoon. Sherry called him a pedophile and Barry said, "Those are big words for a 12 year old!"

Claire: "Barry! Somebody's at the door to see you! A 12 year old girl and a donkey!"

Barry comes in, looking so buff its gross.

In a deeper voice Barry says: "Really? Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker are here?"

Rebecca: "Barry we know you've been abusing steroids. We want to help you. We love you."

Carlos, Claire, Barry, Billy and the whole room laughs at that. Carlos: "That was gay!"

Claire: "Steroids can lead to shrinking of genitals, cancer, homerun records."

Barry: "No way! The only thing I'm addicted to is killing zombies, making lists of threes..."

Carlos: "Still, steroids are bad for you."

Sherry appears riding on a donkey. "They've also been known to cause fits of rage."

Barry: "Fits of rage? I'll show you fits of rage!"

Barry punches Rebecca in the face. He then throws Carlos into a fishtank, breaking the fishtank and causing him to bleed. He grabs Claire by the hair and attempts to drown her in the toilet. Barry pulls out a katana and stabs the donkey and smashs Sherry head first into the TV.

By the time he's done he looks at his wounded friends. "I don't need any of you! I hate you all! You're all dead to me!"

Barry grunts like an ape and runs from the house to Yankee Stadium and hits a home run.

Later...

Barry arrives at a place that the steroid supplier had refered him to. Barry goes in and sees Popeye standing there.

Popeye: "Whatcha doing here mack?"

Barry: "My friends, the cast of Resident Evil, don't get me."

Popeyey: "I gets ya. As long as you don't gets with me Olive Oil. She's my number one girl!"

Popeye raises a fist at Olive Oil. "Get your skinny ass out there and earn bitch!"

Barry: "Anyway, people think I'm addicted to steroids."

Popeye: "Roids? I gots some good roids from the jolly green giant."

Barry: "Sweet! Uh...Popeye, you have some spinach on your chin."

Popeye: "That's not spinach..." He begins crying.

Barry: "We can beat this habbit together."

They begin shooting up steroids. Then they began doing pushups.

Barry thinking: "With me and Popeye combining forces we could finally rule the galaxy as father and son! Which unless I became misguided, is the reason I started taking steroids in the first place!"

Chris and Sheva arrive at the oil field. They discover the tricell logo.

Chris: "Tricell is helping Umbrella? Well just like a girl masturbating while on her period, we caught them red handed!"

They come across majinis as they open the door.

Chris begins to open fire at the majinis mowing down a lot of them with the AK-74. He aims at the arab majinis. "This is for 9/11 bitches! Ahhhhhhh!"

Chris runs dry on ammo so he uses his pistol. Sheva is firing too. Chris kises the barrel of his gun. He then begins to lick and begins sucking on the barrel and in his mind the song 'lets get it on' plays.

Sheva: "Oh dear god."

Meanwhile Leon is out hunting innocent cute animals as he did in Duck Hunt when he accidently hits a semi truck driver with a stray round.

Leon approaches the wounded driver. "Tell my wife and kids I love them..." The driver says before dying.

Leon: "I'll do this if its the last thing I do." Leon removes his knife and begins to cut off the man's skin.

Leon later arrives at the mans house. The wife and kids answer the door.

Leon: "I love you all. Daddy loves you more than life itself."

Leon is wearing the dead man's skin as a suit. However the skin slips off of Leon. Leon realizes his cover is blown and bails.

Leon: "Any good christian would do the same."

**That's all folks! Sorry its so short! I hope you like it! I'm a bit busy but I will update soon! Tell me what u thought was the funniest part in your reviews! R&R!**


	6. meat shower

**Hey people! Another chapter of offensive innuendo! This chapter contains offensive language, racial humor, sexual puns, and offensive material on most levels. If you are offended by this you may write out a complaint, fold in neatly, and shove it up your ass! Lol just playin. Its all in good fun. Anyway here goes! By the way, the scenes from the RE storyline may not be in order. I am making a lot of it as I go. Also, I smoked a lot of weed when writing a lot of this so certain parts may only be funny to ppl who are smoking a fatty while reading. The scene involving Barry is based on the Lemon Aids Walk episode from Drawn Together but the rest of the content is all me. I just wanted to try DT dialogue on RE characters. Barry attacked all the other RE characters in a fit of roid' rage. All because of interventions. What lead to his intervention? I know these scenes aren't in order and because they aren't we'll just label them as deleted scenes. I was high. lol. That's the reason for the screwy order. All right! I hope u like it!**

Jill: "What are you going to about them?"

Irving: "Actually I was gonna stop at Quiznos..."

Jill grabs him by the throat. "One more time. What are you going to do about them?"

Irving: Ahhhh! Ok! Ok!...jeez..."

Irving walks into a room holding his handgun. He removes the duct tape from the mouths of the three Jonas brothers. He shoots all three of them in the head. Then he goes into another room where Justin Bieber is tied up. Irving begins to pistol whip him. Bieber is bleeding and Irving keeps hitting him until Justin's blood spatters on him.

He walks past the stuffing of what used to be Miley Cyrus who he had arranged to be stuffed by a taxedermist.

Irving: "Now to deal with those pesky BSAA!"

(Scene with Spencer's death.)

Spencer: "You were the only survivor of the Wesker children."

Wesker: "You mean I was manufactured? By skynet? And sent back in time to kill John Connor?"

Spencer: "Yeah...wrong story. As I was saying, I could have changed the world! I was to become a god! And not one of those silly Hindu Gods. Not the Jew who got nailed to wood. But the God of the old testament! The kind who always smites people! I was to be the oldest man alive since Betty White!"

Wesker rips his heart out. "That right is now mine...along with the rights to Umbrella and Tricell and Capcom products in general."

Wesker uses the blood to paint his face with war paint, smearing the blood on his cheeks. However Wesker also used Spencer's blood as lipstick.

Chris and Jill burst through the door to discover Wesker with blood on his face and hands.

Jill: "What in the name of three dimensional characters and predictable one liners are you doing?"

Wesker: "I was...uhhh...This is akward. I was just..."

Chris: "Dude, you don't have to explain yourself. You earned your redwings, didn't you bro? You know what they say, whenever you go south, you got blood in your mouth!"

Wesker: "No...! I'm establishing my place as God of the world!"

Jill: "Haven't you ever seen 300? You got that from Xerxes!"

Wesker: "Yes, but Leonidas is the one who dies. Gerard Butler dies wearing a speedo. Not Xerxes."

Chris: "He does got a point! Plus did you ever notice all those piercings? I was thinking it was Dennis Rodman!"

Wesker: "Time for you to die. Just like Pamela Anderson's acting career."

They fire at Wesker but he dodges and speeds toward them knocking the gun from Chris's hands. Jill attempts to kick him but Wesker punches her away. Wesker grabs Chris and chokeslams him on a table and then slides him across the table.

Wesker: "I am God! Just look at my Zeus like biceps!"

Chris: "You're like a German pornstar's mouth."

Wesker: "Why?"

Chris: "Cause you're fulla shit!" Chris gets up and tries to attack again but Wesker blocks him and tosses him like a rag doll.

Jill tries to attack again but is thrown into a shelf.

Chris: "You got owned bitch!"

Jill: "We're on the same side, dumb ass!"

Wesker grabs Chris by the groin.

Wesker: "Let's finish this..."

Chris: "I'm pretty sure you're supposed to grab me by the throat. Anyway you got exactly ten minutes to take your hand off my dick or I'm really gonna be pissed!"

Wesker raises his eyebrows and the two embrace in french kissing.

Jill: "No!" She tackles Wesker and they go flying out the window.

Chris: "No! Where will I ever find such a hot piece of ass again? And Jill's gone too!"

(Scene ends..)

(What lead to Barry's intervention...)

Barry: "I'm like a man with the power of the G virus but without the G virus and twice the hepatitis C! Which I assume is just Greek for strength!"

Barry injects the steroids into his left butt cheek and his pupils get bigger, he gets pimples on his back, his muscles bulge and his penis shrinks from 7 inches to 5.

Barry: "What a rush! But I need more money for more steroids!"

Later that day...

Barry bursts in on Carlos while he is showering and grabs him by the throat.

Barry: "Sponser me. Sponser me!"

Carlos grabs his man purse and fishes out money.

Carlos: "Here. Just don't hurt me..."

Later that day...

Barry finds a pikachu piggy bank.

Barry: "Sponser me!"

He smashes the piggy bank. Barry then, injects more steroids into his ass, but as he does, there is a purple bruise, the size of a quarter. Again, his pupils get big, he gets worse acne, his muscles increase and his penis goes from five inches to three.

Much later that day...

Barry bursts into Claire's room.

Barry: "Sponser me!"

He searches the room, Claire is sitting smoking a joint.

Barry in a deeper, hulk like voice: "Ooooh, you laced it with PCP. Nice touch! Yoink!"

He grabs money from Claire's money jar which was labled ABORTION MONEY.

Barry grunts like a gorilla and leaves.

He accidentally drops a needle.

Claire: "There's something up with this guy. Just like all white people in scary movies, I'd better investigate."

Claire injects the needle. Suddenly her boobs turn to pecs, she grown facial hair and a bulge in her pants resembling a male genitalia grows.

Claire in a deep voice: "I was afraid of this. Steroids!"

(Scene ends.)

(Deleted Scene: Marshlands.)

Chris and Sheva see a merchant as they move through the marshlands. "Got something that might interest ya!"

Merchant opens up robe to reveal that he is naked. Other than weapons.

Merchant: "What can I do to yo...for you stranger?"

Chris: "Yikes. I can see why they got rid of this guy in the last one! He is gayer than a magician!"

Sheva: "Wait...street magician, Shaman, or Vegas?"

Chris: "Vegas!"

Sheva: "Yeah, that's about right."

Chris: "They should havelaws against nudity! The same way, they have laws against copyright infringements!"

Chris in Hank Hill's voice: "Damn it Bobby! You masturbate to guys!"

Chris buys an M-16, a Sniper Rifle, and a Grenade Launcher. Sheva buys a Sniper Rifle, a Shotgun, and an AK-47.

Chris: "Yeah! Now we have so many guns, we ought to be rappers!"

Sheva: "Is that another racial remark?"

Chris: "No. But this is. What do Republicans and rappers have in common? They both love guns and they use the N word a lot."

Sheva: "How did I get the dumbest partner in the world?"

Chris: "Hello! America is known for having bad schools as we spend more money on war than schools! We spend a lot on prison too. Hell, even African immagrants who come to America take their education more seriously than kids from the U.S.!"

Sheva: "And you wonder why the rest of the world hates you."

Chris: "Hey, if you don't like America, you can get out!"

Sheva: "We're in Africa, dumb ass! Why else would there be white majinis speaking swahili?"

Chris: "Hmmmmm. I see. I don't understand your point mister, but I get the gist of what you are saying."

Sheva rolls eyes.

They find one of the pieces for the door they need to unlock. They are soon attacked by the Tribal people of the marshlands from the Npadya tribe.

Chris: "Those are the palest black people I've ever seen! Sorry Vanessa Williams!"

Sheva: "Just shoot them, you moron."

Chris shoots them with his pistol. He kills three of them with headshots. Sheva runs up and kicks a wounded majini. Chris shoots one in the leg. He then hits it with an uppercut.

Sheva fires a shot with her rifle and a majini's head explodes.

Chris: "That was the best head shot since Abraham Lincoln!"

Chris throws a grenade and finishes them off. They got on boat and head to the next location.

Sheva: "This is boring. Let's skip to the next chapter!"

Execution ground

Chris and Sheva search near the eleavtor. They begin to head down the docks and see more majini coming.

Chris: "Hey, look! I found an Ipod! I took it off Dechants body!"

Sheva: "Have you no respect for the dead?"

Chris does not hear her as he is listening to November Rain by Guns N Roses.

Sheva taps his shoulder and he notices a box of Donuts. Rasberry filled powdered hostess.

Chris grabs them and they begin firing at the majinis. They open fire and take down several of them. Sheva is hit by an arrow. She goes forth to engage the majinis.

Sheva is wounded by a majini and is in danger of dying. "I need your help!"

Chris: "Once I finish my donuts I'll help!"

Sheva: "Damn it! You have to heal me or revive me!"

Chris with a mouthful of donuts: "That's not true. I just have to bring you back before your brain stays dead for too long. Even if you fall to the grond and it says YOU'RE DEAD, doesn't mean I can't bring you back. I mean how much sense would that mak...Sheva?"

Sheva passes out as Chris fails to heal her.

Chris: "Oh great. Fall asleep when I'm in the middle of a sentence. What a bitch!"

Majini, "She's dying ya idiot!"

Chris: "Really? Noooooooo! She was so beatiful! So black and beautiful! I never got to tell her that! She was realy beautiful. oooooohhhh."

Chris grins at the unconscious Sheva and begins to take his clothes off. The majini just stare at him.

Chris turns red.: "I know this doesn't look good. I hope you didn't think I was gonna drop yogurt on an unconscious chicks feet, did you? Cause that's not true!"

Majinis. "Wow. You are so wrong. We're supposed to be the bad guys..."

Chris: "Hmmmm. I'm out of ammo for my M-16. I better use a scarecrow for Black people!"

(I know I'm going to hell for this But its just jokes lol This is kinda from that show Boondocks.)

He pulls out a scarecrow dressed in what looks like klan robes. The black and arab majinis run.

Only the white majinis remain.

Majinis: "We're not effected by that. Not only is this a waste of time, but it proves you are an ignorant American asshole!"

Chris: "I built a scarecrow for white people too!" Chris pulls out a scarecrow that has a football in one hand and a bloody knife in the other, resembling O.J. Simpson.

The white majinis scatter in fear.

(Barry gets clean.)

Barry arrives at aids walk. He sees his team mates all wearing bandages and casts.

Barry: "I'm sorry for the pain I caused. As Popeye lay dying in my hulking biceps, he wished for me to get clean. Then he died of Aids from the use of shared needles."

Barry is dressed in a half shirt that reveals his stomach and a pair of pink sweat pants that say JUICY on the butt of them.

Rebecca looks at Barry: "Uhhh...Are you one of the people who sponsered us for the Aids walk?"

Barry: "Hells no, I'm not sponsering you. I'll be sponsering me! To win the Aids walk!"

Claire: "Its not a race asshole! Its a charity! Like not spitting on ugly people!"

Barry: "Well before you know it, I will do more walking and have more aids than you can possibly imagine!"

The starting pistol is fired and the walk begins. Barry begins to walk along with the others.

He pulls out a silenced pistol and shoot the other walkers in the head but soon runs dry on ammo.

Barry "Outta my way!" He says as he snaps the neck of an elderly couple.

Barry picks up the pace.

Barry: "Come on Barry! Walk! Walk like an eagle!"

He turns on sammy haggar 'Winner takes it all' on his Ipod.

Barry notices that there are a pack of walkers ahead of him. Barry chucks a grenade, after pulling the pin. Finally all the walkers are dead. Barry crosses the finish line, singing.

Barry in a high pitched girly voice: "Winner takes it all, until he takes the fall in time he'll make it over the top!" He hits a high note as he sings.

Barry: "I won! I did it all for you Popeye!"

Rebecca: "You fuckin idiot! Not a single dollar was raised! All the walkers are dead! This walk is ruined!"

Barry: "I don't exactly understand but I get the gist of what you're saying. Thank you for your hearty congradulations, mister."

Barry looks in the sky and sees Popeye's spirit smiling down on them.

Barry: "Who the hell is that asshole?"

Chris and Sheva see Irving. "You're just in time for the big finale! Boom! Its like pow right in the kisser. Pow right in the kisser!"

Chris: "I'll stop you!" Chris begins running in slow motion after Irving as Irving makes his getaway.

Sheva: "What are you doing?"

Chris: "Being dramatic!"

Josh: "Over here you too! I have found a boat! It wasn't exactly easy either!"

Chris: "Josh? You're alive? I would have thought you had been killed of two chapters ago...I mean...well ya know...First Kenneth Sullivan...then Marvin Branaugh...ya know what, never mind."

Josh: "Yes, I have got a boat. Meet me at the docks on the double! We need to go after Irving. I killed a British couple on their homeymoon to get this boat!"

Chris: "Sounds fun. We'll be there."

Chris gets out his M92F and begins firing at some dogs while Sheva stays near the gate and handles the majini. Sheva finishes with the majinis. She comes to help him with the big majini.

Chris: "Sheva I need your help! This fat majini is like Kim Kardashian! Its hard to look at and it won't go away!"

Sheva fires three shots from the sniper rifle. Sheva takes out the booby wire traps.

Chris: "hehehehee booby traps. Booby. hehehee."

Sheva runs to Josh.

Josh: "Come on! We have thirty seconds left! Where is Chris?"

Sheva: "Damn it! I'll go get him!"

While Sheva goes to the cabin to find Chris, Josh dumps the body of a man in a tux and a woman in a white dress after tying concrete blocks to their feet.

Sheva: "Chris, what the hell? You're raiding the desks for jewelry?"

Chris: "Aw come on! I deserve some jewelry!"

They get on the boat and Josh begins to drive them away.

Chris and Sheva dock Irving's boat.

Irving: "Youse two are making me look bad! You never give up!"

Sheva: "Its over, Irving!"

Irving: "Time for my extreme makeover!" He begins to pull out a mirror and puts on lipstick. He then puts on a blue wig that a stripper would wear. Then he puts on eye shadow, eye liner, and lip gloss.

Irving blows a kiss at the mirror: "Nice. And now to inject myself with the virus!"

Chris:"Knock it off!"

Sheva: "Don't you dare!"

He injects and begins to transform.

Chris: "In the time it took him to do that, why didn't we just shoot him?"

They both got on mini guns and begin firing at Irving. They shoot the orange veins on his tentacles. Soon Irving is exposed again and they unload on him. It spits Irving's body onto the deck.

WillIrving: "Dying's not so bad...I can see Elvis! I see a warm fire for me to keep warm!"

Chris: "What is Umbrella planning?"

Irving: "To take over. You'll find all the awnsers you want in that cave up ahead. Too bad I won't be here to see the new world. Its changing and you're oblivious to it. But the new world is a lot like having sex with Kobe Bryant. You can fight it all you wanna but...its gonna happen."

Chris: "Poor bastard..."

Sheva: "Oh well. Shit happens. I got his wallet! When this is done we should go to Baskin & Robins!"

Chris: "I expected I would hate it here but I was wrong! I like Africa better than I liked Indian reservations!"

**(Flashback.)**

Chris is speaking in a public apology for multiple offenses to a crowd of Native Americans. He had commited offenses, all of them having to do with gambling addiction.

Chris: "I made mistakes. I made wrong choices. Some sell their bodies for crack, I sold mine for poker chips. I even spent my second mortgage on the slots! Te hpoint is, even though we slaughtered millions of American Indians, and forced them off their land, we shouldn't let them have casinos because it brings out the worst in weak minded white people. So what I'm saying in short...USA! USA! USA! USA!"

Five minutes later...

Chris is still chanting but is beaten to a bloody pulp has a few teeth missing, a bloody nose and a fat lip, not to mention the American flag is tied around his throat in attempt to strangle him.

Meanwhile...

Claire has a baby girl now.

Carlos: "When did you have a baby? Who's the father?"

Claire: "Hell if I know!"

Rebecca: "Didn't you use birth control?"

Claire: "Birth whhaaaaaaaaaatt?"

Carlos: "Just look at your baby! She's behaving badly!"

The baby has broken into Claire's lipstick and put it on. The word Juicy is on the back of the baby's diaper.

Barry: "Hey, baby! Got some formula with that shake?"

Claire: "You're grounded!"

The baby crawls away and flips her off.

Claire: "Watch your language, you little whore! Don't make we wash out my mouth with ham!" Claire devours an entire ham.

Steve discovers a cell phone at the scene of the Aids walk. It is Barry's. He sees a text to Barry that said he needed help. The name was from C. Redfield.

Steve: "Claire? No! She's in danger in Kijuju! I have to save her!" Steve pulls out a 9mm and heads out into the street.

Steve pulls a gun in an old man in a Toytota.

Steve: "Get outta the fuckin car!"

Old man: "Just take it easy sonny! Don't hurt me!"

Steve: "Get in the fuckin trunk!"

Old man: "Please! I don't wanna die!"

Steve mocking: "'I don't wanna die' You're gonna fuckin die!" Steve begins firing the gun in the air and the old man runs. Steve begins aiming at him and one round hit the guy in the hip.

Steve: "Whee! Hang on Claire. I'm coming!"

He does not notice the three kids in the backseat.

Kids: "Uhhhh...grandpa?"

Meanwhile Wesker is sitting on the bed, smoking a blunt. Alfred is lap dancing for him in a pair of bra and panties.

Alfred: "You like that,don't you?"

Wesker: "You know, when Excella dances for me, she at least has the decency to tuck her penis between her legs!"

Steve arrives at the the airport where he has a private plane waiting for him.

Steve: Sorry kids but I am in such a hurry to go to Kijuju, that I have no time to stop this car or slow down. Toodles!"

Steve bails at the last minute and the car keeps going but then is smashed by a semi truck.

To be continued...

**That's all for chapter 6! I hope u found this funny! BTW, please tell me in detail, what u thought was most funny about this. Leave a detailed review. Sorry it took while but I've been busy. I sure made a lot of these characters either complete perverts, pshychos, or just all around assholes didn't I? Or stupid. I hope u noticed that Steve mistook Chris's text message to be from Claire and is on his way to Kijuju for nothing! By the way, Tina/Prisoner, I dedicated the scene with Chris and the donut to you lol Well anyway please R&R! With details! No flamers!**


	7. Governator

**Hey people! Time for more sexual jokes! Now in this chapter I will reveal what a Jill Sandwich is. XD. Anyway I keep making these jokes about Wesker being the Terminator. So now, what f I actually made it happen? What if he was sent back in time to kill Chris so that he never started the BSAA? This will have some time travel involved. Tell me what you think!**

**BTW Lethal Weapon jokes too. I needed to get that douche bag Mel Gibsonfor his insensitive remarks. So I'm tearing him a new one. Also, I have made several references to Terminator so I am gonna take the high road and have a terminator model that is supposed to be Wesker. **

**Special K agrees with me that he likes like the governor of California, hence The Governator. He said Wesker is a T-1000 wannabe. Arnold Schwarzenegger's only consistent name in the Terminator series was Terminator. His model number varies from each one. I do not own the rights to Drawn Together, Terminator or Capcom. Some humor is borrowed from other shows but with my touch. For the most part its mine.**

**Also Weskinator will have Schwarzenegger's lame movie one liners as well. **

**Though I am unsure what nationality Wesker is, I decided to give him an Austrian accent to parody Terminator. Though he is Wesker's appearance, he still has the accent. Also at some point, just in case Resi Roach/Special K reads this, I will do a parody about the dumb stories where an oc is created so a woman can put herself in a story and have sex with Wesker. Seriously, that is lame. While my OC Dia from Ground Zero has a few of my beliefs, he is not supposed 2 be me. He is embodied by the black actor, Larenz Tate.**

**Also any and all donut references involving Barry are decicated to Prisoner/Tina. **

**Anyway Please enjoy!**

Steve arrives in Kijuju. He somehow still has a pair of Golden Lugers. Suddenly a female majini comes up to him.

Steve: "Sorry mister. I don't have any change."

The majini reveals its head.

Steve: "Whoa. Somebody needs to brush their teeth." Steve unloads with the Lugers and the majini dies.

Steve: "Cool! I just killed Umbrella's replacement for the zombie! That's one more thing off of my list."

Steve checks off Kill a majini which is on his list.

Number 2: Find out what part of India the Navajo Indians are from

Number 3: Make "Sex" with woman.

Number 4: Find out what is if its not butter.

Number 5 Look up why I have 3 balls instead of 4.

Steve: "Oh wow! One of the old ganados! Uhhhhhh que is Clair...ooo?"

Ganado: "Actually that wasn't even slightly close to how you say it."

Steve: "Wow! You speak English?"

Ganado: "No. Just that first sentence and this one explaining it."

Steve: "You've gotta be freaking kidding me."

Meanwhile...

Wesker has just finished creating the W-800. It was an android designed to look just like him.

Wesker: "Now you are going back in time to 2002 to to kill Chris before the BSAA ever exists."

Terminator: "Yes. I am going to kill Chris Redfield."

The terminator leaves.

Wesker: "Excella where is Chris? We have a family reunion to go to."

Excella: "He just entered a cave. Irving is dead."

"Wesker: "Aw god damn it! How are we supposed to get to that cave? I was going to sell them as conflict diamonds! And I was gonna have nine year old kids mine them for me!"

Excella: "Wee're in the cave. Our base is."

Wesker: "Really?" In deeper voice. "Right. Soon the little fishy will come see my hook. Now I will avenge that homosexual who wears guy liner and is the lead singer of Green Day."

Excella: "Don't you mean Irving?"

Wesker: "Why? What did I say?"

**(Deleted scene from RE0. Why Billy really got arrested.)**

Bily is driving in luxery sports car. Instead of wearing his tank top, he is wearing a Hawaiian shirt.

He then gets out of the car stopping in front of a group of Cubans and he pulls out an M-16. He begins firing at them and kills three of them. More Cubans start coming out and start shooting at him. Billy just keeps firing.

He begins singing I Ran So Far by Flock Of Eagulls.

Billy: "And I ran. I ran so far away...never gonna get away."

Announcer: "Resident Evil. Vice City. Awwww yeah!"

Billy: The name is Vercetti. Don't you forget it!"

Cops: "Vice City Police! Drop your fuckin weapon!"

Billy: "No! I don't wanna!" He opens fire and hits two cops. He gets back in his car and drives away.

Vice Police Chopper: "Get outta the car with our hands up! Hey I can see my house from here!"

Billy fires MP5 out of the window.

Billy goes into the Pay N Spray. _New engine and paint job so cops won't recognize you..._

Billy runs over an old woman._ Unless you kill again before the flashing stops..._

_Billy: "_Damn it!"

A cop pulls him out.

Murtaugh: "Nice job Riggs!

Twnty minutes later...

Riggs: "You know what they do to you in prison?"

Billy: "Yeah. I did fifteen years. Which makes sense in GTA but not in Resident Evil All though in GTA it makes no sense of how I was locked up during Nam but I'm still a Marine. Oh well."

Riggs: "Crime doesn't pay. Haven'tt you ever seen Lethal Weapon?"

Billy: "I boycott your movies now. I found Passion Of The Christ extremely anti semetic."

Riggs: "Fuckin Jews. They're resposible for wars. Are you a Jew?"

Billy: "How the hell should I know? I'm a cross between Billy Coen and Tommy Vercetti."

Murtaugh: "Cohen? Aint Sacha Baron Cohen Jewish?"

Riggs: "Damn right. And I'm an Australian who played an American but also played a Scottish hero. I also have a partner who is too old for this shit. He should have retired years ago. From acting and the force. He's so old, black and culturally irrelevant, I started callling him Bill Cosby."

Billy: "What an idiot. Crazy actorss..."

Riggs: "You wanna see crazy?" Riggs pulls out a molestation doll tha is used in court rooms and begins fucking it. He then begins sticking his tongue in the hole. Then he pulls out a gun. He points it at his own head.

Riggs: "I'll fuckin do it! I'll do it Rog! You shouldn't tempt me, man!"

Billy: "This kinda proves my point..."

Riggs: "Shut up! You're next!" Riggs fires the gun and shoots himself in the foot.

Murtaugh: "Bottom line. You're going to be put to death in some shit hole called Raccoon City."

Billy: "Why? Cause of two cops? You should have seen two days ago!"

Riggs: "No. We're not doing it cause of that. Its cause you boycott my movies. Lethal Weapon was way better than Die Hard! And Passion of the Christ. By the wy, the Halocaust never happened. Jews made it up."

Chris and Sheva are searching through the caves.

Chris finds a topaz.

Chris: "Sweet! As soon as I get home I'm taking this straight to the pawn shop! And I didn't have to kill a kid over here to get it!"

Sheva: "Why are you so fucking strange?"

Chris angrily, "Strange? How dare you! I am not strange! This is strange."

Chris lifts up his shirt and begins licking his own breast, and massaging his pecks.

Sheva: "Okay...moving on...oh my god! Spiders!"

Chris: "You fuckin women say you want equal rights but as soon as something scary comes your way, like a rapist or a spider, you come running back."

Chris sees the big spiders coming out of the ground.

Chris: "Run for your fuckin life!" Chris shoves Sheva out of the way and runs.

Sheva opens fire on them and kills two but one of them latches onto her.

Sheva: "Help me!"

Chris: "What's the magic word?"

Sheva: "Please help!"

Chris: "No that's wrong...oh wait never mind."

Chris pulls out his AK-74 and fires and kills three of them.

Chris: "Thanks to the armory and not that annoying fuckin merchant, I now have more arms than the wackiest God in all of India!

Sheva: "Thanks partner."

Chris: "Oh now you decide to go by the script!"

Sheva: "Yes well, unlike you I actually am professional."

Chris: Professa...whaaaaaaaaaat?"

Sheva: "Never mind"

They head down into the ancient civilization area.

Sheva: "I never knew such a place existed here..."

Chris: "I know! For the most part, Africa is a total shit hole!"

Sheva: "How do you know? This is the only place you've been here! You can't judge Africa on just one place!"

Chris: "I guess yyou've never met us Americans before, have you? But if we ever found oil here, you all better watch out!"

Sheva pulls out the Cattle Prod she had bought and hits him with it Chris screams like a girl and falls to the ground rolling in agony and convulsing.

Sheva: "I'm going to that everytime you step out of line!"

Suddenly they hear some of the tribal majiinis coming.

Chriis gets up and sees the enemy coming.

Chris: "Oh my God! Just like Black people in movies, we're going to die!"

Meanwhile...

2003

A storm of electricity appears in the year 2003, in Los Angeles California. This is just a month after Jill and Chris's encounter in Russia.

The terminator designed to look like Wesker has arrived in the past. His mission is to terminate Jill and Chris before they start the BSAA

The Weskinator is naked as he can't bring clothes back in time. He walks up to where a trio of Frat Boys are talking.

Frat Boy: "Hey buddy! Laundry night? No clean clothes?"

Weskinator shoves his fist through his chest and rips his still beating heart out of his chest cavity.

Weskinator: "What did you say? I'm heart of hearing."

Wesker kills the other two and looks at their bodies to decide which one's clothes to take.

Back in 2009...

Chris fires his AK and mows down three majinis. Sheva fires her shotgun at a big tribal one as it ululated. The blast seems to not do much damage. Chris kills the big one with the AK-74.

Chris: "Shooting a gun is like having sex. You aim, you shoot, you run."

Chris arms his M92F and begins aims at a majini with torches He fires.

Chris: "Ahhhh! Somebody shot me!"

Sheva: "You're pointing the gun the wrong way, you idiot!"

Chris: "Really? Oh...right." He reverses the gun and continues firing. He can see Sheva across the room kicking a majini that she has wounded.

Chris switches to his Sniper Rifle and fires, hitting one of them in the head.

Chris: "Sweet! I haven't seen that much blood since Princess Diana!"

Sheva is grabbed from behind by a majini. Chris zooms in with the Sniper Rifle. He is about to fire but then is turned on by Sheva's tribal outfit.

Chris: "Oooohhh. I'd like to play female slave and overseer with her anyday!"

**(I'm going to hell for that one.)**

Chris zooms in on her luscious ample breasts. He then zooms down her toned stomach down to her legs. He zooms in, looking at her white panties, that are exposed.

Chris: "That is the way to do it, Leon!"

Sheva drives her elbow into the majini.

Sheva: "Damn it! I needed your help! Now shoot those damn majinis!"

Chris fires five shots andf hits a majini but he accidently hits her as well.

Sheva: "Watch where you are aiming you idiot!" She returns fire and hits Chris in the leg.

Chris: "You bitch!" He fires and hits her in the arm.

Sheva fires and hit him in the hip.

Chris: "Maybe we should stop. We're doing damage to each other."

Sheva: "Okay. I'll heal us. But we need to prevent this from happening again."

She heals them.

Chris: "How do we do that? What about them?" He asks referring to the majini.

Sheva: "Okay. We're going to the main menu. Wait for it to save before you exit."

Chris: "All right."

Sheva sets up another game and turns off the attack reaction.

Sheva: "Okay. Ready when you are."

Chris: "I was born ready."

Chris throws a grenade at one of them. The majini grabs the grenade, pulls the pin and throws it back in their direction.

Chris: "Um...run like fuck!"

They do but some debris from the blast hits them causing further damage.

They make theirr way into some passage doorways and Sheva finds a chest.

Sheva: "I need your help getting this open."

Chris: "Go ahead. I'll follow." Sheva hits B and begins struggling to move it. She wonders why Chris has not helped her until she looks to see him looking at her ass through the scope.

They move it and Chris sees gold.

Chris: "Dibs!" He punches Sheva and knocks her down, grabbing the gold.

Sheva: "You idiot! We both get the gold!"

Chris: "Really? Oh. Okay."

They search other chests and find various jewels and gold. They move one last chest and a trap door opens. They fal through the floor.

Chris screaming like a girl: "Oh my God! Please lord! I swear I'll stop putting spy cams in the shower when Claire gets home from work! Just don't let me die!"

Sheva: "We only fell ten feet!"

Chris: "I'm still injured!"

Sheva: "How can that be? We've jumped off of higher buildings than that! Where are you hurt?

Chris: "My courage..."

2003

Barry, Rebecca Steve,and Jill are celebrating the downfall of Umbrella at a local night spot.

Claire: "Why the hell isn't Chris here? He should be here celebrating! Or at least celebrating with Jill...while I watch..."

Rebecca: "He's away taking care of important business."

Shot of Chris at a karaoke bar. The song he is singing is Tequila.

(Back to night club.)

Jill: "Here's to Umbrella's fall!"

Steve: "And to freedom of speech!"

Rebecca: "Fuck yeah!"

Claire: "That's the shit!"

Barry rips off his pants and boxers and starts thrusting his genitals.

Barry: "I want to rip the head off a fucking pig and then rip its fucking guts out and fuck its fucking corpse, fuck fuck fuck fuckity fuck."

Chris finally arrives.

Jill: "Where the lell have you been?"

Chris: "I was doing karaoke for the song Tequila. I would say I wasted my time since there was only one word in the song."

Jill: "Dumb ass."

Chris: "What's up with Barry? He looks like he's been doing speed."

Jill: "Don't worry. He's using an unsucessful version of the virus. The T virus tastes like apple, the G virus tastes like grape. This tastes like krispy kreme donuts. Its like crack to him. But it does seem to make him fast, but not strong. Its sugar high."

Barry grabs Chris: "Now I'm the hero! I'm like superman! Only I can get up flights of stairs."

They begin drinking.

The Weskinator enters the club. He is wearing a pair of blue shorts and a white muscle shirt.

The Weskinator comes up to Chris.

Chris sees him."Hmmm. He looks like Wesker...but Wesker doesn't dress like that."

Weskinator: "Tell me. Are you Chris Redfield?"

Chris thinking: _Hm. He can't be Wesker! He sounds like he's from Austria!_

Chris: "Are you from the service? Because I specifically asked for no Eastern European women!"

Wesker points a gun in his face. "I've gun to meet you."

Chris screams and starts running like a girl.

Weskinator pulls out an MP5 as well and starts firing.

Chris thinking: _I was having a good time, I was laughing like a drunken pro athelete. Then this asshole comes in shooting at me and now I'm screaming and crying. Like the wife of a drunken pro athlete._

Barry sees Weskinator shooting everybody. "Activating Donut shield!" Barry grabs a young woman in the club and uses her as a human shield. She screams as she is hit by several rounds.

Suddenly Leon S Kennedy comes in. The Weskinator shoots himm in the head.

The Weskinator walks up to Chris with the smoking guns and points them in his face.

BOOM!

A shotgun is fired. Leon is holding a shotgun and this time his hair is so much lighter than it had been and he was dressed different.

Leon: "Come on me if you want to live!"

Chris: "Don't you mean come with you?"

Leon: "Why what did I say?"

They hop on Leon's moped outside and speed away. Twenty minutes later, Leon stops and tells him what's going on.

Chris: "Wait. I don't understand. Leon was just shot! How can you still be here?"

Leon: "I'm Leon from the future. That redhead Leon was done away with."

Chris: "Wait a minute...you've got white hair! Almost white...Leon doesn't look this old!"

Leon: "Wait till you see him next year in 4! You'll swear its Taylor Hicks you play as!"

Chris: "What the hell was that thing?"

Leon: "Weskinator. He was sent back in time to kill you and Jill before you started the BSAA. Six years from now Wesker will try to take over the world. But there was a side effect. It caused young men all over the world to spend so much time playing Resident Evil 5 on the 360 that they neglect all other responsibilities. School, jobs. Girlfriends. So they still need to have sex. So they become gay!"

Leon: "The world becomes a more tolerant place. So Wesker sent a machine back in time to kill you. A hetero killing machine!"

(Shot to Weskinator's creation)

Weskinator wakes up. Wesker stands above him.

Wesker: "We must test his skills to make sure he is straight."

He hands the Weskinator a remote. He turns on the TV and switches it to That's So Raven.

Wessker: "Good. Pop culture recognition. Check."

Weskinator is handed a gun and he empties it into a poster of Chris from Resident Evil 5.

Weskinator: "What's the difference between a woman on her period and a terrorist? You can negotiae with a terrrorist."

The scientists laughed.

Wesker: "Okay and he's funny. He is ready."

2003

Chris: "Well what the hell are you doing in the past?"

Leon: "I was sent back in time to protect you."

Chris: "So now you're from the future too? I thought you were in a video game!"

Leon screams so loud his eyes go bloodshot. "Video games are the future!"

Suddenly two cops rush forward and arrest Leon.

Meanwhile at Barry's house, Bary has just returned from deactivating the donut shield. He answers the door covered in dirt and blood and is holding a shovel.

Weskinator: "Tell me. Are you Chris Redfield?"

Barry: "Wait a minute. You're the one who killed all those people at the clu...dude! Is that a beer tap?"

Weskinator has a beer tap on his chest.

Weskinator: "Ja. Its tapped lager."

Barry: "Cool! Can I have some?"

He is still high off his krispy kreme virus. He charges into a wall speeds away and comes back holding a goblet that says FLAVOR FLAV

Weskinator: "You totally schooled that wall."

Barry: "Up high!"

They high five and then Weskinator has another arm come out of his back and gives him a robot five.

Barry: "A robo five? Dude you are so hetero! Tell me, bro. What do you think about vagina?"

Weskinator: "Dude, I love the vagina."

Barry: "Dude I love the vagina! What do you like to do to it?"

Weskinator: "What do you think I like to do to it?"

Barry : "I think you like to fuck it."

Weskinator: Damn straight I like to fuck the vagina."

Weskinator and Barry in unision: "Sweet!" They high high five.

2009

Chris and Sheva approach Sheva.

"Excella Ginone! Put your h

ands up!"

The masked lady in the bird mask shows up and kicks Chris, Sheva tries to fight but the lady knocks her back.

Chris: "Wait a minute...are you Cameron Diaz? I'd recognize that beak anywhere!"

They continue the struggle and Jill's mask is shot off.

Sheva: "Enough games!"

Wesker: "You haven't changed. Other than your figure. You look like you used steroids hris."

Chris: "No I didn't. Barry did that and his penis got so small it became a vagina. Not cool dude."

Wesker: "I would expect you to be more happy to see us."

Chris: "Do you mean happy or trouser snake happy?"

Wesker removes her mask.

Chris: "Jill! You're alive! Though I wouldn't haveminded a few minutes with your corpse either."

Wesker: "Isn't this one big family reunion?"

Chris: "No that's me, Jill and Barry! We did the Jill Sandwich!"

**Chris flashes back. He and Barry are double teaming Jill. Jill is blowing Barry while Chris penetrates her from behind. They are also playing cards on her bare back. **

**Barry: "Go fish."**

**(End of flashback. **

Jill attack again and kicks Chris a few times and he goes flying.

Chris: "Whee!"

Sheva attempts to shoot but is tackled by Wesker.

Wesker: "Two on two. Unlike the Jill sandwhich. Those were unfair odds."

Chris: "I get to swing with a black girl and a white girl? Sweet!" Chris starts to unzip his pants.

Wesker: "Not what I meant...but continue..."

Jill starts throwing stuff at Chis.

Wesker: "Muhahahaahh. She stocked up on animals."

Jill threw beavers at him. Chris punched them away from him.

Chris: "I just love pounding furry beavers!"

Jill hurls a donkey at him with her superhuman strength.

Chris kicks it away.

Chris: "I gave that hairy ass a licking!"

She throws a bunch of cats at him. Chris dodges them.

Chris: "This is one dude who knows how to avoid pussy!"

Jill throws a rooster at him.

Chris catches it.

Chris: "I'm going to choke this cock until it explodes and falls asleep leaving me alone and unsatisfied..."

Jill kicks Chris.

Sheva fires at Wesker with her Assault Rifle but only a few hits him.

Chris throws Jill to the ground.

Chris: "Bitch, you better check yo self for you wreck yourself! Homey don't play that!"

Sheva attempts to pull the device from Jill's chest.

Chris: "Ooooh this is hot..."

Chris rubs his nipples as he watches.

Wesker: "Chris. What is the most common name in China?"

Chris: "What?"

Wesker: "Chin!" He punches Chris in the face.

Chris wipes blood from his face.

Chris: "What's the capital of Thailand? Bankok!"

He punched Wesker in the groin.

Wesker holds his groin and looks at Jill and She

Wesker: "Damn...This is like my childhood. Two women appear to be going at it and my balls hurt."

Chris gets up. He opens fire. Wesker dodges. Jill is firing her Skorpion at Sheva. Sheva takes cover behind a pillar. Chris fires a wound shot to her arm. He then, grabs Jill from behind and Sheva runs up to pull the device off.

Jill then fights both of them off.

Sheva: "Hold her down while I get that thing off of her chest!"

Chris: "Hold her down...? I wasn't holding her down. I was...ohhhhhh. I get it."

Wesker: "This fight is turning out to be more of a let down than the last time I had sex.

**(Flashback.)**

**Wesker is driving along a road. He sees a young girl who couldn't have been more than eighteen. "Need a ride?"**

**The girl without thinking, gets in. **

**"I'm Mary Sue. You must be Wesker."**

**Wesker: "That is correct dear heart."**

**Mary Sue: "Ohhh... you got something on your pinky. It looks like chocolate."**

**Wesker: "Yes...chocolate...right..."**

**NMary Sue licks it off. **

**Wesker: You like sucking my pinky do you? Well here is something you can suck on. Its not as long but it is just as hard!"**

**(End of flashback.)**

Wesker: "She does not love you anymore Chris."

Chris: "Liar! She does too!"

Wesker: "How dare you call me a liar? I am an NBA player, an astronaut, president of the world, a God, and I have a fourteen inch cock but I am not a liar."

2003

Chris: "And then he said he was from the year 2009. I just want to know when this will end."

Police Officer: "And I want to know where those legs end? They go on for days!"

Chris: "Thanks for noticing." He is wearing nylons.

Chris: "I'm going to make a call. There's one guy I can always trust."

Meanwhile Barry and the Weskinator are taking a shower together. The robot is way more well hung.

Barry: "My favorite words for vagina? Well, baby gap, panty bacon, and beer cozy. How about you pal?"

Weskinator: "I call it a taxi so I can roll over and get some sleep."

They both laugh andd high five and then Barry high fives the extra robotic arm from its back.

Suddenly Barry's cell rings. He gets out of the shower.

Barry: "Christopher! Hey, what's up?"

Chris: "I need you to come to the police station!"

Barry: "Why? Is this about the donut shield?"

Weskinator takes the phone and talks in Barry's voice.

Weskinator: "Where are you primary target? I mean Chris? The police station Okay stay right there I'll be right there to kill...haha...I mean murder you."

Barry: "Whoa! You do an even better me than I do!"

Meanwhile...

Carlos is on the phone with Rebecca.

Carlos: "You know that leather bra I like? That comes with the edible panties? Yeah that one. I'll be wearing that."

Meanwhile...

in present day...

2009

Barry, Carlos and Billy are all playing spin the bottle.

Barry spins it. "Do you think it was a bad idea to send Leon back through time?"

The bottle lands on Billy. Barry and Billy embrace in a french kiss.

Carlos: "No. Cause if the Wesker android kills Chris, there will be no BSAA. Its important!"

He spins the bottle and it lands on Billy

Carlos: "All right! I got the Marine! This should be moy beuno!"

Billy: "Dude, if you're gonna be gay about this, you can't play!"

Carlos: "I'm sorry."

They kiss.

Barry spins the bottle. "I'm married with kids. You two are the only homos." The botte lands between Barry and Carlos.

They all yell, "Tripple kiss" At the same time.

_**To be continued...**_

_**Well I hope you all liked this wacky ride! Any krispy kreme reference is for Tina. & the reference to Wesker and Mary sue was a crack at people putting their OC's in to have sex with Wesker. That was for Special K and Resident Roach. Also, Wesker's small penis was a reference to Resi Roach's profile and what it says about Wesker. lol.**_

_**I hope you all had a good laugh. There is a lot of DT conetnt in this but I add my own touch to it so it isn't plaguerism.**_

_**Tell me in detail what parts you thought were funniest! Love ya'll!**_

_**later. **_

_**A.S. **_


	8. A bromosexual relation

**Hey ppl. I an glad to be making u laugh so far. Not much to say right now so for now please Anyway here is the next chapter of Resident Evil/Weskinator. lol. Anyway I hope you all like this! More of Weskinator and Barry's bromance! Lol. This is a mini chapter so I could get the Terminator content out of the way. BTW I will have a parody of Malcolm in the Middle at the end. Gettin a lot of parody stuff outta the way,**

**R&R!**

2003

Chris: "I just don't get it. I was being hunted down by some ugly gap toothed nazi sympathizer with bad movie lines!"

Suddenly gunfire breaks out in police station.

Five minutes earlier...

Weskinator: "Tell me. Are you Chris Redfield?"

Policeman: "Look, visiting hours are over. You'll have to come back later okay?"

Weskinator: "I'll be black."

He leaves.

Police officer: "What the hell does he mean by that? Damn Black Entertainment Television!"

Wesker crashes through the front of the police station and the glass and debris kills the cop. Weskinator gets out of the car carrying multiple weapons. SMG's Assault Rifles, shotguns and pistols.

Barry: "You know what they call vagina in France? Royale with cheese!"

Weskinator begins opening fire on police officers. A cop fires a shotgun and hits Weskinator in the chest. Weskinator opens fire on him with an SMG and turns him into swiss cheese.

Weskinator: "You just shoot at me because I'm black."

A female cop fired at Weskinator's chest. Weskinator emptied his SMG at her, killing her and two other cops.

Barry hands Weskinator a magazine.

Barry: "Dude! Looks like somebody brought his A game! Up high!" Weskinator high fived him with his extra robot hand.

Barry helps him and starts firing with the shotgun and hits a cop, a detective, blowing his stomach open.

Barry: "Say broseph. How did you manage to do that thing with my voice?"

Weskinator: "I can do the sound of anything I hear. It could be good or bad. I even record songs that are good for the computer chip...I mean the soul."

Weskinator's vision selects several options and on his sight it says FINDING PRIMARY KILL SONG.

PRIMARY KILL SONG SELECTED: FUCK THE POLICE BY NWA

Barry: "Now this is some good killing music! I hate cops!" He says as the song is played on loudspeaker via Weskinator's mouth.

One of the wounded cops holding his bleeding chest speaks to Barry,..

Cop: "You used to be one of us..."

Barry: "That's not true! There are two things Barry Burton never forgets! His career choice and his grandmothers birthday!"

(Shot to an old woman at a nursing home checking her watch while the candles on a birthday cake burn.)

Weskinator continues firing and Barry hads him another magazine while he fires.

Weskinator in Eazy E's voice plus music: "Fuck the police. Fuck fuck fuck the police."

Finaly the song ends. Even still he keeps firing.

Chris busts in and breaks his cuffs.

Leon: "You came back for me!"

Chris: "Yeah! I'm here to save you! Quick! Snarf my cavernous bung hole you knob gobbling Jew!"

Leon: "Don't you mean come with you?"

Chris: "Why? What'd I say?"

Chris relects on the first time he had sex...

Chris and Claire are at home. They are still minors. . They are eating trix cereal. Suddenly the trix rabbit shows up.

Rabbit: "Gimme the fuckin cereal!" He points a .44 at both of them.

Chris: "Whoa! Silly rabbit! You've last your mind!"

Rabbit: "Lost my mind? I'll show you lost my mind!" He grabs a random lady and puts teh gun to the back of her head.

Rabbit: "Hand it over...Or the bitch GETS IT!

Lady: "Run! He's gonna kill me no matter what you do!"

Rabbit screaming with eyes all red and veiny: "I'm not gonna tell you again!"

Chris hands it over.

Rabit: And now to finish some unsettled business." He shoots the lady.

Claire: "What happened to you?"

Rabbit: "Nobody ever wants me to have the fuckin trix! So I started smoking angel dust! Are you happy now? Then Tony the Tiger has me try crystal meth. Its grrreeaaaat! Fuckin scum bag."

Suddenly a car rolls up and the trix rabbit is shot with a Tec 9.

Ice Cube, Eazy E and Dr. Dre get out. Along with MC Ren and DJ Yella. They find a dime bag of coke on his body.

Eazy E: "Remember kids. Using drugs isn't cool. Now when you sell the shit? That's somethimg else."

Ice Cube: "We're gonna teach you kids the way we do math in the hood. If Tito is moving twenty kilos of coke from L.A. to Vegas, at a speed of 55 MPH. He left his project in L.A. around 9:AM. What time will he get to Vegas?"

Chris : "Hmmmm. It depends on if he stops to see his ho first."

Dr. Dre pats him on the back.

Dre: "That's what we call a variable. All right kids. Take it easy."

They get back in and drive off.

Chris: "Looks like the trix rabbit got what he deserves."

Claire: "Yeah, but am I?" She kisses him and removes her clothes.

Chris: "Whoa. Your vagina is six years younger tha my penis. No grass on the field. Yes!"

They kiss and begin to disrobe before getting busy.

Claire: "I'm so telling mom."

(End Flashback.)

XXXXXXXXXXXXXx

Weskinator: "You know what I don't like about the vagina?"

Barry: "What's that?"

Weskinator: "Nothing. That's what."

Both: "Sweet!" Robot high five.

Suddenly a police officer blasts Weskinator in the face A layer of his skin is now missing. He fires the SMG and kills the cop with a head shot.

Barry: "You're a robot? I thought we told each other everything! If you weren't honest about this how do I know you weren't honest about other things? Like loving vagina!"

Weskinator grabs Barry and slams him against the wall.

Weskinator: "Dude. How dare you suggest I don't like the vagina."

Barry raises his eyebrows: "Ooooohh."

Weskinator also raises his eyebrows but while this is going on Leon has liberated Chris and they sneak past.

They give chase after Leon and Chris. Chris and Leon got on Leon's motor scooter. They begin to ride down the road.

Weskinator sees a man in a hot dog truck.

Weskinator: "I will relish this." He snaps the neck of the driver and throws him into the street. He begins to drive after the targets.

Barry chases him down the street on foot.

Barry: "Wait bro! I never got to tell you the greatest thing about vagina. It brought me closer to you..."

Weskiinator chases after Leon and Chris. He runs them off the scooter.

Chris: "On your neat and pedicured feet soldier!"

Leon: "You noticed!"

Chris: "How could I not?"

Weskinator backs up the hot dog vehicle. Then he drives after them.

Weskinator: "Don't try to run because I will catch up!"

Chris pulls out a grenade and pulls the pin.

Chris: "Oh no. Just like The actor from the Superman movies, we're not running anymore!" Chris throws the grenade and it explodes causing the vehicle to blow up with theWeskinator inside of it.

Barry with mouth hanging open: "Nooooooo!"

Barry: "I'll miss our conversations. I'll have to resort to comfort food." He opens a box of krispy kreme. He begins wolfing donuts. Jill attempts to grab one and Barry roughly grabs her arm.

Barry in nearly demonic voice: "Do you wanna lose that hand?"

Chris: "Leon! Hang in there!"

Leon: "I have to warn you about the future...next president is...an idiot..."

Leon breathes his last breath. The screen displays an option Continue? Yes. No.

Leon respawns: "Hey, what's up everybody?"

Chris: "Oh yeah. That's right. You are a video game character. You can die a hundred times and come back to life no matter how stupid that sounds in writing!"

Dead redhead Leon with bloody hole in head: "Tell me about it."

Suddenly the Weskinator rises from the flames. He comes walking, now just a skeleton. He is holding a Bazooka.

Weskinator: "I have a friend you should meet. His name is Bazooka Joe and he's treezed to meet you. But its time for you to leave! Now!

Leon fires a TMP at the Bazooka causing it to explode.

The blast does not kill Weskinator. He continues to advance.

Leon: "Damn it all! I wish Iron Man would help!"

Iron Man: "Well I would but earlier I smoked a blunt so now my reaction is delayed."

Iron man turns to camera: "Still think drugs are cool?"

Weskinator charges at Chris.

Weskinator: "I'm going to commercial break you in three...two...one..."

(Annoying ad from Progressive.)

Announcer: "And now back with more Chapelle Show! Wait...was this Chapelle show? Its not? Damn...I gotta stop taking acid..."

Barry steps in front of Weskinator.

Carlos: "Wow! Barry solving a problem? I guess there's a first time for everything! Oh and I just got my big boy hairs!"

Barry: "Just a second Broham! If you kill Chris, he'll never invent the BSAA. Then you will never be sent back in time to kill him. Then we'll never get to talk...about vagina..."

Weskinator: "But dude! Its my primary mission!"

Barry: "Maybe its time to stop listening to the primary mission in your mind and listen to the primary mission in your heart."

Weskinator nearly malfunctions trying to decide between Terminate or abort.

Weskinator: "Must terminate...must terminate...walls arounde my heart."

He steps away from Chris.

Barry: "Now don't you feel better?"

Weskinator: "I know what would make me feel better."

Barry and Weskinator embrace and begin kissing.

Claire: "Whoa. Did I miss something... or is Barry tongue kissing a hunk of metal?"

Chris: "Wait a minute future, Leon. There's something I have to know...do you think the Resident Evil game will really get young men to neglect their girlfriends causing them to go gay to fufill their sexual needs?"

Leon: "Well in the future, one year from now...boys do start playing at a very young age...but probably not. I think..."

Carlos: "Well since we're all saying what we're thinking, I was thinking of paying a hooker to shove bowling pins up my ass!"

Claire: "I've been gone for a bit. Come to think of it, where Sherry? I did leave her behind as revealed at the end of the Nemesis game. Wow...I guess I can't blame her if she hates me in the future..."

Barry: "Yeah...here's to the youngest piece of ass you can tap without setting off an amber alert!"

In France, two baby boys are sitting next to each other playing Resident Evil and one of them takes out its pacifier and they tongue kiss. In Japan, a toddler undoes his pjay's and kisses his brother.

In Italy a baby in diapers kisses another boy in diapers and picks him up and the two boys walk like a married couple into the playhouse. Then the two diapers come flying out, shit splattering on the ground...

To Be Continued...

But first a new look at Fox's new hit sitcom!

Malcolm X in the Middle.

Shot to a young boy with a straw in his nostril.

Malcolm narrating: "That's my brother Dewey. He likes drinking milk. Through his nose."

Shot to older teenage boy.

Malcolm narrating: "That's Reece. He likes eating his own boogers and farting on retards."

Lois: "Reece stop eating your boogers! Hal would you do something about this?

Hal responds while reading paper in the nude: "Boogers have protein."

Shot to African American male.

Malcolm voiceover: "And that's me. Malcolm X."

Theme Song: "You're not the white boss of me now you're not the white boss of me now and I'm not your slave."

Malcolm stares into camera.

Malcolm: "You know what the worst thing about childhood is? White people!"

Malcolm: "Why is it that in a game of pool the game isn't over until you knock the black ball in the hole?"

Lois: "We go through this every morning Malcolm. Why can't you eat your breakfast like a god boy?"

Malcolm: "Because the international power structure is being used to oppress dark skinned people all over the world!"

Lois: "That's it mister. No more late night episodes of the Jeffersons for you!"

(Shot to Malcolm X praying, facing East.)

Dewey: "Hey Malcolm. Wanna play hide and go seek?

Malcolm: "Why don't we play hide and seek the truth?"

Dewey leavves.

At dinner they all sit around the table.

Malcolm: "Why is it that angel fod cake is white and devils food cake is black? Think about it!"

Malcolm stands up

Malcolm: "I will join my black brothers and sisters and together we will burn down the white power structure that has kept us enslaved! I will hunt the white supremecists down like animals!"

Lois: "Fine but you can't leave until you brush your teeth."

Malcolm: "Why? Are they not white enough for you?"

Lois: "March mister! To the bathroom, not on Washington"

Later...

Lois bursts in with the phone bills.

Lois: "Who's been making all these calls to Mecca?"

Dewey and Reece back away from Malcolm. He stares at Lois without batting an eye.

Anouncer: "Malcolm X in the middle. We finally got a show with a black person on Fox!"

LIFE IN UNFAIR...

_Okay people. That was a mini chapter so sorry about that. In the next chapter we will continue the RE parody but for now I wanted to do a chapter involving Wesker/Terminator jokes. _

_Also that thing of Malcolm X is both a joke at his and Fox's expense. He is my hero, this is just good fun. You know how it is. I basically got the idea from a skit I saw on the TV. _

_Not to mention mocking Arnold's corny movie line tendencies. Anyway tell me what you think!_


	9. Remake

**Hey people! I'm glad this is making so many ppl laugh! It makes the world go around. Anyway I feel I let down some of the greater RE scenes so I'm gonna do RE scenes from games that I left out. So sorry if they aren't in order. Is this really anyway? haha. Anyway it doesn't matter as long as you laugh right? Anyway for some of it, Barry will actually be doing weird narration. **

**Anyway enjoy & laugh! **

**Afro Spirit**

Resident Evil 4

(Scene after Luis's death, Ashley's 2nd time rescued.)

Leon zips up his pants.

Leon: "All done! So long, Antonio Banderas." He says to the dead body of Luis.

Ashley: "Leon! Help! Wait...what are you doing up there?"

Leon: "God damn it Sherry, I said I'd be with you in a minute!"

He fires four shots and hits her shackles freeing her.

Ashley: "Talk about close...thank you Leon."

Leon: "Damn it! I've got to work on my aim! I missed!"

Ashley runs to the door but discovers it is locked.

Ashley: "The door's locked! I can't get in!"

Leon: "You know. when you talk...you remind me of a squirrel I fucked once...I was really drunk...I remember...a yellow sponge...an astronaut outfit...a lot of water...and a talking starfish...I don't know why I was there but I think my pot must have been laced...I think the star fish and the sponge might have been homos..."

(I just referenced the fact that Ashley's voice actor played Sandy on Spongebob Squarepants.)

A door opens and several monks came in.

Monk: "Hiesta!"

Leon: "What was that? I didn't catch that. Speak English! How can I be scared of what you say if you say it in Chinese? I can't tell what you're saying!"

It grabbed Ashley.

Ashley: "Ooooh. Are we gonna do a group job? I want in both holes! Wait...are you Catholic? Cause that's the only way it won't be a sin to have sex with mutiple partners."

Monk: "What you talking bout Ashley?"

Ashley: "Your religion?"

Monk: "Oh...I knew that...um...well I believe in L Ron Hubbard."

Ashley: "Huh? Who's that?"

Monk: "He started the religion of Scientology. He is our God our prophet and Tom Cruise is like his version of Jesus."

Ashley: "Tom Cruise? No way! Forget it! Vanilla Sky and Jerry Maguire is two hours of my life I'll never get back! Let me go!"

Leon fires and hits the monk in the head.

Leon: "That was the best head shot since Abraham Lincoln!"

He keeps firing and hitting the other monks.

Leon: "Hey, all this time I've been shooting these ganados, it never crossed your mind to grab a weapon?"

He kills the red monk.

Ashley: "I've got the key! I can get in!"

Leon: "Oh my God! You are so fucking needy! How did I get stuck watching over Annette Birkin? Story of my life..."

Code Veronica part 1 ending

Alfred limps from his bullet wounds.

Alfred: "I won't forget about this Claire...just like I won't forget the name of that boy who helped you...Ste...Stewart...Yes...Stewart will die for shooting me. I will not forget you two peasants just like I didn't forget my very sexy sisters name...Alexis...? What is Alexis? Its gone..." Alfred passes out near her water tank.

Steve: "Okay we're heading to an Australian observation base. We're two Americans who haven't even completed college, I dropped out of High School, I suck at geography, I don't know where the Antarctic is on the map but I think its somewhere in the Middle East. Anyway God, willing we will find it it even though we have no idea where this base is."

Alexia strokes the hair of her dead brother. He awakens and looks up.

Alfred: "Alexia...I'm dying..."

Alexia: "I know...but at least now you won't have trouble getting hard. Your cock already has rigor motis."

Alfred grins through bloody teeth: "Ready to commit acts of necrophilia? Don't stop even if I do die on you. This is what I want, the only thing I want more is for a pool boy to shove hamsters yup my anus but this will do!"

Alexia: "I was born ready. Besides we mastered a scientific form of Necromancy. What's a little sibling dead sex?"

Meanwhile Claire and Steve are driving the snow vehicle and are having a conversation.

(My own twisted conversation twist.)

Claire's nipples are hard from the cold. As they drive by they see P Diddy wearing a fur coat. He is wearing a hat made out of a dead penguin and his fur coat is made of a dead polar bear.

Diddy: "Now the player done went to both poles...I told you that we won't stop said I told you that we won't stop..."

Steve: "So this hot Jewish chicks was licking my nuts when she asked what religion I was I said Catholic. She asked why I was circumcised and I said, hey we still do it. Just different. Jews cut it off, Catholic priests chew it off."

Claire: "Wow...that's incredible...I feel like I'm getting to know you but I just asked you to turn the heater on..."

(Barry Hits rock bottom.)

Barry: I got these two cheeseburgers! Come on, man! I need my krispy kreme!"

Black dealer: "Motherfucker I just ate! If you aint got no money then, you just assed out!"

Barry: "Come on, man! I need krispy kreme! We can work it out! I'll suck your dick!"

Black dealer: "The fuck did you say?" He says pulling out a gun.

Barry, eyes bloodshot: "I'll suck your dick!"

Dealer: "All right come on. Let's go to my car."

(Code Veronica part two scene)

Chris drops his back pack and it falls down the cliff.

Chris: "Hang on Claire...I'm coming for you...then I'm coming on you...and then you will do the same to me...for I know that every man is not out to marry his own mother but he will screw anything and that includes his increasingly hot sister who I've been attracted to since puberty."

Chris enters the cave. There is a rock slide behind him.

Chris: "Hehhehehe the dick enters the dark cave. That's a good one for the guys later."

Chris spots Rodrigo but then rushes toward him and begins kicking him in the ribs.

Chris: "Die you undead bastard! Ahhhhhhh!"

Rodrigo: "Ow! Damn it! I'm not a fuckin zombie!"

Chris: "Oh...Mexican with a gun! Ahhhh!" He begins kicking him again.

Rodrigo: "Damn it, you moron! Stop kicking me!"

Chris: "Suspect is resisting arrest!"

Rodrigo: "I'm a prison guard!"

Chris: "Really? Oh...my bad...we cool Ese?" He offer his fist to bump.

Rodrigo: "I'm the last survivor on this island. I was saved by...a beautiful woman...an angel of mercy..."

Chris nods: "Let me guess. Bono, right?"

Rodrigo: "No, you fucking idiot! Your sister. Ponytail...ass like a Hip Hop girl. You know what I'm saying?"

Chris: "So that's why you have her lighter. I thought it was because you were smoking weed."

Rodrigo: "Well funny you mention that...Claire was heheehe."

Chris finds Rodrigo's medicine.

Chris: "How do you explain this? Are you having unprotected sex? This is Vaseline! Even sex with a zombie should always be with a condom as well as plenty of KY lubricant. Do I need to call your mother?"

Rodrigo: "I'm older than you are and I had kids! That's homeostatic medicine for internal bleeding which you made worse by the way. You know what...ah forget it. Its easier to just call you stupid."

Suddenly the gulp worm gobbles up Rodrigo.

Chris: "Whoa! I haven't seen a worm that big since that last Pamela Anderson video!"

(Drums rimshot.)

**Disclaimer: I haven't actually seen the video but a lot of my friends who are porn addicts keep telling me how great it is but porn is not the same as how real couples have sex. Plus I'm not trying to see that nigga Tommy Lee's dick! No thanks on that one, jack!**

Chris begins to fire his pistol. He sees that his Glock is not effective.

Chris: Damn! I'll have to get a better weapon! I know! I'll use a grand theft auto cheat! R1 r2 L1L2left down right up left down right up."

WEAPON CHEAT ENTERED

Chris cycles through his weapons. He gets out his RPG.

Chris: "Ah God damn it! I wanted an RPG but this one is clearly fake! I mean, look! The rocket comes right out!"

Chris gets his AK-47 out and rolls a blunt and lights it, taking a hit and putting on Locs sunglasses

Chris: "Yeah...hell yeah...you know what I'm saying...?"

He begins firing at the worm.

Chris: "I know you're in there! Come out of the worm with your hands up!"

Rodrigo from inside: "You racist!"

Chris: "Racist? How can I be racist? I have a sister who listens to Hip Hop! Besides, you're not black. You're a Mexican. Its not racist if you aren't black! Now have a burrito and wait for me."

He begins firing his AK-47 at the worm and it finally dies. It spits Rodrigo onto him and Chris catches him in his arms.

Chris: "Ah God damn it! You were supposed to swallow it not spit it back on me!"

Steve's dad: "That's what she said!"

(Drums,rimshot.)

Chris: "Hang on Rodriguez! I'm gonna help you! Just hang on!"

Rodrigo: "Its Rodrigo you moron."

Chris: "I knew that Martinez. I know. Just hang on. Don't talk."

Rodrigo: "I haven't much time...now 'll get to see my family."

Chris: "Your family is dead?"

Rodrigo: "Yes...I shot my son...he was foaming at the mouth one night so I assumed he had rabies so I shot him. Turns out, he was only brushing his teeth."

Chris: "Wow..."

Rodrigo: "And my wife saw this and freaked out so I killed her too. But not before I tied her up and had my way with her one last time."

Chris: "I did not need to know that."

Rodrigo: "Its been a good life. I'm sure I'll see her in heaven..."

Chris: "Wait! Kiss me before you do!"

Chris and Rodrigo kiss. They begin French kissing and then Rodrigo throws up in his mouth. Chris, in turn throws up in his mouth while they are still French kissing.

Then Rodrigo dies and shortly after, he arrives in hell. Rodrigo sees some dead famous people.

The Devil is talking to Goofy.

Satan: "So Goofy it says here you were behind the plot of September 11th."

Goofy: "Well, that's what they get for supporting Israel! Garsh!"

Satan: "Okay, into the eternal lake of fire you go..."

Rodrigo sees another famous person.

Rodrigo: "Hey its the word guy from Sesame street! You were the best thing to come out of spelling since Tori's fat head!"

Bert and Ernie: "Why are you dissing on Torrie?"

Rodrigo: "She knows what she did."

(Dramatic music.)

Satan: "Okay, Mr. Juan Raval, you have three ways you can spend eternity. I'll let you see what's on the other side of each door. Once you choose, you can't go back on it."

The first door shows a chainsaw being shoved up a guys ass. The second shows a man's ears bleeding as he listens to songs by the Jonas Brothers. The last shows Marilyn Monroe being fucked doggy style by none other than President Kennedy.

Rodrigo: "That actually doesn't look that bad."

Satan: "Fine by me. Marilyn, you're free to go!"

Meawhile...

Alexia has Claire covered in a slimy goo.

Alexia: "Now she will know what Matthew Broderick's honeymoon was like."

Alexia then brings the unconscious Steve and chains him up. He is talking in his sleep.

Steve: "Oh Angelina Jolie...I had a great time tonight...what do you want to do now...?"

Alexia: "Why do I get the feeling something involving sex is on his mind?"

Steve: "Why don't you decide? I bet you wanna do something crazy..."

Alexia rolls eyes.

Steve: "That is crazy. I already took you out to dinner! I am NOT paying for a movie too! Good night Angelina!"

Steve wakes up.

Alexia: "Wake up sleepy head."

Steve: Damn...it was just a dream...I was on a date with a beautiful woman. And it only cost me a couple bucks off the value menu at Mickey D's. Where am I?"

Alexia: "You are in my hands. I am injecting you with the same virus my father had..."

Steve: "No! I'm a virgin! That's not fair if you give me Aids if I don't get to do it!"

Alexia: "Nooooo. I meant the virus. You met my father a few moments ago? Claire shot her with Alfred's Rifle."

Steve: "Oh...that guy. He had more arms than the wackiest God in all of India!"

(Rim shot, drum beat.)

Alexia: "You are going to become a tyrant beast but while we wait for the drug to take effect, I am going to have a little fun with you."

Steve: "You're gonna torture me?"

Alexia: "I'm going to cause you more pain than you can possibly imagine!"

(At this point Claire and Chris hear Steve scream after this part. What made him scream? LOL.)

Alexia turns on a radio after plugging it in.

Pala Cole begins singing.

"Where have all the cowboys gone?"

Steve: "AHHHHHHHH!"

Paula Cole: "Where is my John Wayne? Where is my prairie son? Where is my happy ending. Where have all the cowboys gone?"

Steve: "For the love of God! Stop! Please! I can't take it!"

Alexia: "I'm just getting started." After the song ends she puts another tape in.

Sonny Bono & Cher began singing.

Radio: "They say our love won't pay the rent. Before its earned our money's all been spent. I guess that's so we don't have a plot, but at least I'm sure of the one thing that we've got."

Steve: "Dear God make it stop!"

Radio: "Babe, I got you babe. I got you babe."

Steve: "Gimme a fuckin gun! I'll do it myself!"

(Chris video scene)

Chris walks into a room to see Alexia Ashford naked and stroking the hair of a naked body of Alfred Ashford. She is also singing.

Alexia: "There was a friendly but naieve king who wed a very nasty Queen. The King was loved but the queen was feared."

Chris: "Uh yeah. I know who you're talking about. Its Bill and Hillary Clinton! uhhhhh "

Chris face juts out like a donkey braying.

As the song ends the video shows a close up of the Ashford twins nude genitals.

Chris: "Hmmm. This is a strange case we have here. It looks like there are two blonde lesbians both naked but only one of them has a penis!"

Fred: "Hmmmmm. It IS a mystery, gang! I'll go go with Welma and Daphne Shaggy and Scooby, you two search the other side of this facility!"

Shaggy: "The only mystery here is why we take orders from a dick in a neckerchief."

Fred: "Keep it up, Beatnik and I'll feed you to the fuckin dog!"

Chris: "Whoa, guys! Let's keep it peaceful! I got doobie snacks!" He pulls out a bag of weed.

Scooby: "Rokay! Rets get Rucked up!"

(Resident evil 5 scene Excella/Uroboros)

Chris and Sheva enter a room full of Lickers.

Chris: "Whoa! I bet you those lickers are a big thumbs up among lesbians! Oh yeah!"

Sheva begins to open fire with her AK-47. Chris fires his Sniper Rifle and hit the Licker in the back. He fires again and hits it in the head and kills it.

Chris: "Sex is like a gun...you aim...you shoot...you run."

Chris is then slashed by another licker and its tongue wraps around him.

Sheva fires and kills it. Chris looks at the blood on his arm and side.

Chris: "Holy fuck! I'm bleeding! I think I started my period..."

Sheva: "You moron. You can't..."

Chris: "Look, I need to see if the blood is coming out of my butt hole! Now do you have a tampon or not?"

Sheva rolls her eyes. More lickers attack.

Sheva uses a green herb.

Chris: "Whoa...you stopped the bleeding. Was that a maxi pad? I checked my boxers. No blood so I guess its not that time of the month yet."

More Lickers bust through the vents.

Sheva: "I need your help!"

Chris: "Yeah...why don't you take care of that? I'm trying to read Hustler."

Barry narrating, movie paused.

Barry: "Now see, at this point, I got Chris reading Hustler magazine. I gotta disagree with Sheva on him being a super hero but I do think that Hustler magazine gives every man X ray vision. You can see inside the girls! Buy a copy and you'll see for yourself!"

Unpause...

Sheva: "Damn it! I need your help!"

Chris: "Ya know, Jill would have taken care of this already!"

Barry narrating: "No...dude...really you don't understand. You can actually see inside the girls! Inside!"

Sheva: "I'm not Jill!"

Chris: "You're damn right you're not Jill! She was a real partner! Unlike some people!"

Barry: "No...seriously. Inside!"

Sheva: "How good of a partner could she be? She's dead!"

Chris: "How dare you! You have no way to talk about my Jilly bean that way! I hate you!" Chris begins sobbing loudly in a girl voice and runs away wailing his head off.

Sheva tosses a grenade at the lickers and it explodes. Finally they are all dead.

Sheva searches for Chris but has a hard time finding him. Finally she finds a mens bathroom and knocks on the door. She can hear what sounds like Chris wailing.

Sheva: "Chris! Come out here! I apologize for what I said!" It sounds as if he is crying.

Chris: "Go away! Can't you see I just want to be left alone?"

Chris moaning: "Oh Jill...how could you leave me like this...? All alone...ooooohhhhh..."

Chris then comes out zipping up his pants. A grin on his face.

Chris: "All done! What's on your mind partner?"

Sheva: "Okaaaaayyyy...um...I'm sorry."

Chris: "Sheva, can you hear my pain?"

Sheva: "Yes I can..."

Chris in high pitched girl voice: "Then why won't you listen?"

Sheva tears up.

Sheva: "You really don't want me as a partner? That really hurts...because I have abandonment issues...you know...cause of my parents..."

Chris begins to massage her shoulder.

Chris leads her into a monitor room ad sits her down as he rubs her shoulder.

Sheva: "Chris...your hands are so strong..."

Barry: "Here's a tip for getting laid to all the fellas. Give her a shoulder massage. Lotion makes it even better. Its not just used for the purpose of slinging yogurt on your bedroom posters. Anyway massage her. Comfort her. If you massage her shoulders, she'll be massaging your prostate."

Sheva: "Chris...I want you inside me..."

Chris grins and turns off the light and begins to kiss Sheva fiercely and they begin to undress.

Barry, sound of unzipping pants: "Class dismissed...ooohhh."

Steve searches Kijuju for Claire. Suddenly a group of majinis begin to attack. Steve looks on a table and sees weapons. Steve checks out an Uzi. Then an AK-47.

Steve: "Hmmmm. I guess I gotta go with the best option. The one that will save me."

Steve takes the gold lugers next to the rocket launcher.

Steve finds a majini wounded.

Steve: "I don't know you but I feel like shooting somebody."

Majini: "Will that really stop Wesker from taking over the world?"

Steve: "I don't know about that but still, you're probably right. Help me find him servant villager!"

Majini: "You racist asshole! Haven't you ever heard of the emancipation proclamation?"

(The bill banning slavery.)

Steve: "I don't listen to Hip Hop."

Majini: "Well we're on opposite sides. I guess we both have our duties."

Steve: "Dude! You just totally said duty!" He laughs.

Majini: "You're right! I did!" They both roll with laughter. After about two minutes they calm down.

.

Majini: "Anyway, where did you learn to shoot?"

Steve: "Well I figured the real thing can't be any harder than Call of Duty Modern warfare."

Majini laughing: "You just said duty again!"

Steve angrily asks: "How is that funny?"

He shoots the majini.

Steve: "Okay...now I've completed most of the goals I've set for myself." Steve checks off one of them.

**1. Eat cereal in a bathrobe.**

**2. Make "Sex" with a girl**

**3. kill a new zombie**

**4. grow my big boy hairs. **

Steve crosses off number 3 making it the 2nd goal he had accomplished. The other being number one.

**(Resident Evil 5 chapter six.**

Jill: "Chris, you have to stop him! You're the only one who can! I mean you have hulking biceps! That can achieve any task!"

Chris: "Why aren't you coming with us?"

Jill: "I have to go dye my hair. Besides don't you trust your partner?"

Chris "Hehehe oh yeah I trust her al right. I've trusted her three times today!"

Jill: "Okay...I've gotta find a store with some hair dye. & for some reason ever since I've been under control my ass really hurts!"

Chris calls Josh on PDA.

Chris: "Dude, where are you? I just freed Jill! I totally got to feel her jugs!"

Josh: "I can't talk right now. I'm trying to find us an escape vehicle." Chris can hear sirens in the background as well as Wu Tang Clan blasting. He can hear automatic gunfire followed by screams.

Chris: "Okay. Me and Sheva need to get busy. Duty calls."

Josh: "Wait...do you mean you are going to have sex with her or are you going to take a shit?"

Chris: "If all goes according to plan, both!"

Chris and Sheva arrive on the ship.

Chris: "Oh my God! Those are soldiers carrying AK's! Run like fuck!" He starts to run but Sheva hits him with the cattle prod and he falls to the ground.

He gets back up.

Chris approaches a majini. Sheva opens fire on the majini.

Chris: "Where is Wesker?"

Majini growls and hit him with catttle prod.

Chris: "Oh you want to shock me do ya? Maybe a little neck snapping will jog your memory!" He snaps his neck and the majini falls to the ground.

Chris: "Oh yeah? Well maybe a little spooning will help jog your memory!"

He cuddles the dead body.

Sheva: "Come on! We're wasting time! I want to get home in time! I recorded Sex and the City on Tivo!"

Chris: "Isn't that show about three hookers and their grandmother?"

They make their way into the ship. Chris and Sheva oddly enough find a woman at a desk, dressed like a secretary.

Secretary: "Hello! You must the the BSAA! Wesker is here on this sip. Here's the map and layout to the ship as well as his plans for world domination. "

She hands them to Sheva.

Chris: "Oh yeah? Well maybe a little neck snapping will make you give me the plans!" He breaks her neck.

Sheva sighs and shakes her head.

They spot a majini.

Chris: "Hang on, babe. I got this guy."

The majini stabs him with a knife.

Chris: "Oh! So you like stabbing me with a knife , do ya? Well how about this?" He stabs the majini back. The enemy grabs an AK-47. He fires at Chris.

Chris: "So you like shooting me, do ya? Well how do you like this?"

He fires his pistol five times and hits him in the chest.

The wounded majini crawls to pull a switch.

Chris: "Oh, so you like pulling the switch for an alarm to alert the others do ya? Well how about this?"

Chris pulls it and the alarm goes off.

Chris: "Oops."

Sheva: "You've got to be kidding me."

**(Stars Recruiting.)**

**1998**

Wesker is standing before Chris, Jill, Barry, Brad ad Joseph.

Wesker: "If you want to be a part of the Alpha Team, this will be like any rite of passage into a fraternity. I was in a fraternity in college."

Wesker shows them all a picture of a bunch of blonde people who look like Wesker. The only unique one is a black man with an afro pick.

Wesker: "These guys were like my brothers! Well...except for one...anyway if you want to join the S.T.A.R.S. Alpha Team, you'll have to win at a game of Simon says!"

Chris: "Let's do this!"

Wesker: "Simon says, touch your nose."

They all do.

Wesker: "Simon says he's got a nice cock, doesn't he?" Wesker unzips his pants and whips it out.

Wesker: "Simon says stare directly at it!"

They all do.

Wesker stares at his hardened member and it shines like the sun and angelic music plays.

Wesker: "Simon says its biblical in scale!"

Wesker pulls out a keyboard and puts his penis on it.

Wesker: "Simon says, observe its musical ability!"

He uses it to play the song chopsticks on the keyboard.

All of the Alpha Team recruits applaud.

Wesker turns to Brad: "Brad, as your frat brother, I command you to lock yourself in the trunk of my car with this bottle of whiskey and don't come out until its finished!"

Wesker turns to Jill and Chris:

Wesker: "Pledges, go make me a sandwhich!" They leave the STARS office.

Wesker turns to Joseph

Wesker: "Joseph, tie this brick to the edge of your penis and then throw it off of the Balcony!"

Joseph: "Sir, thank you for making my wish come true, sir!"

He leaves the room too.. Wesker puts on a hat that says a Make a Wish Foundation on it.

Wesker: "That there is one brave kid."

Wesker and Barry begin to chant their fraternity chant.

Wesker and Barry: "Phi Alpha Gamm Phi Alpha Gamma! We're really good...at thinking up chants... Okayy not that good...wait...I've got one! No...that's stupid..."

Wesker walks down the stairs of the police station as Joseph drops the brick off of the balcony. After tying it to his genitals. He screams in agony as this happens.

Wesker: "Stop screwing around newbie!"

He grabs hold of the rope and pulls it down causing Joseph to fall.

Later that night Barry's wife comes to the car where she hears thumping in the trunk. The same trunk Brad locked himself in. She opens it and is disgusted at the site that she vomits.

Barry is screwing Brad up the butt and looks up at her. He has no condom on so he has the neck of the alcohol bottle as a contraceptive.

Barry: "I guess this is my way of telling you I want a divorce. I'll keep our daughters. You never know. They might be babes one day."

Wife: "Oh Barry...why?"

Barry: "Because Chcken Heart doesn't judge me. Hey...do you want to join in?"

Wife: "Oh Barry! This is what I deserve..." She gets in with them and they close the trunk.

OKAY PEOPLE! HOW SICK AND TWISTED WAS THAT? I HOPE YOU ENJOYED! i GUESS I'M DOING THE OTHER GAMES AFTER ALL! ANYUWAY PLEASE R&rRi WANNA KNOW WHAT YOU SPECIFICALLY THOUGHT WAS FUNNY! THAT SCENE WITH BARRY & THE KRISPY KREME ADDICTION IS A PARODY OF MENACE II SOCEITY.

NORMALLY WHEN THE CRACK HEAD SAYS HE'LL SUCK HIS DICK, THE DEALER SHOOTS HIM. BUT NOT IN THIS TWISTED SHIT! LOL R&R! _Also this might be the last chapter, Reviewers choice! Keep going or wrap it up? Its all on your calls! But I wont update till the votes come in! _

_Later!_


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